


Better Off Dead

by harrysnightingale



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Domestic Violence, Drug Use, Harry is depressed, Ill add more if i need to, Louis Has An Eating Disorder, M/M, Mental Disorders, Mentions of Rape, Self Harm, Self-Harming Harry, Sexual Assault, i think thats it, liam is mute, listen......., mentions of abuse, niall has a stutter, the violence isnt larry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-09 14:26:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 33,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15269424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrysnightingale/pseuds/harrysnightingale
Summary: Harry gets admitted to a mental hospital by his deadbeat family. There he mets an outgoing anorexic named Louis, along with his group of friends.Side of Niam :)warnings: mental illness, eating disorders, self harm, drug use, other mental disorders, suicide





	1. in his room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somewhere these chapters got fucked up so pls ignore me trying to fix it

**January 16th, 2015.**

_I can't believe mum did this to me. Her only son! Tossed him away into a hospital the first chance she got._

_Whatever, Gemma was always the favourite._

_The people here are so sweet., so that's a plus. The nurse that signed me in and checked me out was the sweetest old lady I'd ever met. Sweeter than the ladies at the bakery._

_Damn, I'm gonna miss it there... The routine and stability of it all. Earlier today when I arrived at the ward, my mind was spinning. I kept trying to sink into my sweater as much as I could, not wanting people to see how much of a mess I am. They diagnosed me, though._

_Severe depression and possible substance abuse._

_Didn't really need a hospital to tell me that. But now, apparently, mum has something to tell everyone. God, I can hear her now._

_"Harry? Oh, we don't speak to him any more. Proper addict, that boy was. Such a shame!"_

_I can't stand her._

_Gotta go, I'm getting assigned to my room now._

_All the love, H. xx_

..

Harry gathered his notebook and pencil, clutching them both very close to his chest. A friendly looking nurse led him through a set of brightly painted double doors into an equally as bright hallway.

"They say bright colours help with depression and overall sadness," the nurse explained, turning back to look at Harry. "I know this is a bit of a culture shock, but nothing too drastic is going to happen. There's only a few rules, and other than that - you're free to roam. If you want to go outside, you have to let either myself or another nurse know, yeah? There's a guard outside as well to make sure you aren't doing anything that could harm you or anyone else." She said, turning a corner.

"This is your room. You don't have a roommate, so that's a plus." She smiled, opening the door. The room was nice, if was quiet and the colour was very warm and relaxing. "There is a window, and it does open but there is a screen on the other side that does not come off. And don't even think about ripping the screen, there's guards around here to ensure that you don't harm yourself."

Harry raised his eyebrow, biting down on his bottom lip. The nurse noticed the slight change in attitude and she quickly peeked up, "Don't be upset, Harry! It's not like you're on complete lockdown. You can go anywhere you want, just make sure a nurse is aware so we don't think you've gone missing." She assured, giving him a warm smile. "We don't want you to feel caged up. We want to help you get better - no matter what it takes."

The boy nodded, sharing a small smile. "Thank you, you're making this process a lot easier. I was so nervous coming here; I thought it was going to be something straight out of a horror movie." He laughed, putting his journal down on the desk that was against the wall.

"None of that." She said sternly, then her face softened into a smile. "It won't necessarily be easy, but it won't be like that. No one around here want's to hurt you. You deserve a better life and that's what we are here to give you." She murmured, patting his shoulder gently. "I'll leave you to get situated. Lunch will be in a little while, but I'll come remind you in case you forget."

Harry nodded, watching her leave. He let out a sigh of relief and turned back to the desk, deciding to write a little bit more before he had to go eat and then go to group therapy.

..

**January 16th, 2015.**

_The nurse explained to me that I could wear any clothes I brought once they were searched for any sharp items or anything that could cause a relapse for me or anyone in here._

_My room is nice - It's not what you'd think it would be like. I have a nice bookshelf and desk against one wall with a window which looks out onto a beautiful garden, I also have a nice queen sized bed in the middle of the room, with soft grey sheets. There were some pictures on the walls of sunsets and other pretty things. I'm in one of the better rooms, not that they were bad. The first floor was mainly just the eating disorders, depression, suicidal and anxiety patients. The second floor had the suicidal and severe cases of anxiety and depression, also mood disorders or personality disorders. Above that, it basically just got worse._

_I wonder what my life would be like now. Will I actually recover? I hope I do, but, then what? I have no one to go back to, nothing back home. I'll update later, my nurse just called me for lunch._

_Until next time, H. x_

_.._

Harry closed his small journal they allowed him to keep (once it's been checked, of course) and headed out for the cafeteria. The perks of being on the first floor was that you got to eat lunch in the cafeteria, or even outside if you've been good. There was only one small downside - eating with some of the eating disorder patients isn't fun. Most of them just stare at their food and pick, while some of them make as much conversation as possible to distract themselves from eating. The others throw fits and get sent off somewhere.

It's not a bad place. It's not like one of those cliché insane asylum with blood on the walls and nurses out to ruin your life.

It's a psychiatric hospital. The people here are centered around rehabilitating patients and getting them the care and attention they deserve in order to feel better.

Harry sat down next to a harmless looking group. He took in their appearances, studying them. One had feathery brown hair that Harry really wanted to touch, and he was wearing a large purple jumper and a innocent smile. Another one had slightly darker brown hair and resembled an adorable teddy bear. Next to him was a blonde boy with rosy cheeks, and seemed to be shaking horribly but had a warm smile. The last was a raven haired boy with a quiff and tattoos scattered across his arms.

"Hey! Are you a newbie?" The latter of the boys asked, his Bradford (Harry assumed) accent was thick.

"I-I.. um, y-yeah." The four seemed the perk up, looking at Harry with hopeful eyes.

"I'm Louis!" The feathery haired boy smiled, extending his paper thin wrist out to shake Harry's hand. Harry accepted and forced a smile back, clearing his throat. This boy had caught Harry's attention instantly with that sincere grin and sparkly eyes.

"I-I'm Harry..." Louis only smiled wider and went off introducing each of the lads. The teddy bear's name was Liam, the blondie was named Niall, and the raven haired one was named Zayn.

"What're you in here for, Harry?" Louis spoke up again, not that he ever really stopped.

"Louis," Zayn scolded softly. "Don't be rude," he warned.

"No, no its fine. I don't mind." Harry reassured as he sat down across from Louis, next to Niall. "I have depression - tried to, um, you know, a couple of times. Bit of an alcohol problem as well." Louis smirked.

"So you're one of those? That's hot." He chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm in here for anorexia apparently." Louis scoffed, leaning back a bit. "Do I fucking look thin to you?" He said in disgust, looking anywhere but his food. Harry felt his heart break at Louis' fowl words. The boy was so tiny, no where near heathy - but Harry knew it would be best to not bring that up. "Anyway, Niall's in here for social anxiety, Liam's a mute, and Zayn's in here for.. Actually, no one really knows why Zayn's in here."

Zayn shrugged, small smile still on his lips. "It's not bad here, mate." He assured. "Plus you'll have us. What room did ya get?"

"Um, twenty three?" Niall and Liam shot up at that.

"Niall is in twenty four, I'm sure he'd help you out if you needed anything." Zayn smiled at the boy in question

Niall's eyes went wide and he hid his face, his body starting to shake. "Oh, I'm sorry, Ni. I didn't mean it like that."

"I'm 'cross the hall in 32 with a batshit crazy bulimic next door." Louis rolled his eyes, picking at his food with his fork, never raising any to his lips. "Zayn's got it easy, he's all by himself." The quiffed boy kept his smile and shook his head,

"Nah, mate, 's not a good thing. When all you got's those four walls, 's not that hard to feel small." Harry nodded at that, understanding what he meant right away. "It does have its perks, though." He gave a small laugh, turning his attention back to Harry. "When do you have group therapy?"

"U-um..." Harry pulled out a wrinkled sheet of paper with some important things on it, he scanned around it for a second and then perked up, "I have it right after lunch." Louis nodded at him. 

"Me too, I have to sit through alcoholics anonymous for an hour." He rolled his eyes, happily getting up to throw his plate away when they began to announce the end of lunch. Harry had made note of the wounded look Louis had once the nurse confronted him about lunch. Hearing him complain about an upset stomach, the nurse sighed and nodded, letting him go ( _"but just this one time, Louis."_ ). "Wanna walk around? I could show you some stuff," Louis offered, walking next to Harry.

"O-oh, yeah, that'd be cool." He responded with a blush, beginning to warm up to the blue eyed beauty.

..

 **January 16th, 2015**.

_After I had lunch today, this cute boy named Louis walked around with me. He's adorable, but he's so sad. He didn't say anything about it, but I could tell by his eyes - he's been through a lot. He's anorexic, and by what I saw today, it seems like he doesn't eat much at all even in here. I believe he also said something about paranoia. Louis' just... he's literally skin and bones and it's gut-wrenching to even look at him._

_I met other boys, too, at lunch. There's Niall, he's got social anxiety. Liam, an adorable, fluffy haired teddy bear who's mute. Lastly there's Zayn, and no one really has an answer as to why he's here. They all seem like really ace lads and I hope_

_I'm starting to look forward to this place. Maybe it'll be good for me, who knows. I'm sure it's worth a shot._

_Until next time, H. x_   
  
  
  


 


	2. when hes all alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has mentions of rape, drug use, and self harm. 
> 
>  
> 
> also thank you to everyone who has read the first chaaoter and left kudos on it :')

**February 26th 2015**

Harry started to fit into the little group of misfits that he had encountered on his first day. Niall had even started to talk to him, which, according to Louis, was a big deal.

It made Harry happy that he was fitting in and had a small group of people that helped him.

Something still wasn't clicking with him, though. He was still so, so unhappy. Obviously he had just been thrown into a new place with new people and a new routine - but there was something else that was keeping him on edge.

He hadn't been able to get a hit in a while, it was making him crazy. He was going through withdrawals and it was killing him. He felt like his skin was on fire and crawling.

Harry talked to one of the other patients about it and they told him they'd be able to score some drugs for him. The thought of being able to feel that high again was already giving him a buzz.

.

**February 27th, 2015.**

_Fuck my life._

_I can't take it in here much longer, I can't. I'm not fucking crazy, why am I here? I don't fit in. I'm not quiet enough to be a mute like Liam. I don't have social anxiety like Niall. I don't have an eating disorder like Louis._

_Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I want one, but come on. They can't help their disorders, they deserve to be here to get better. Everything that's wrong with me is something I did to myself and I need to fix by myself._

_I'm just so frustrated. I asked one of the lower risk guys to get me something - anything to give me a buzz, and he's supposed to be back soon. Hopefully that'll hold me over until I can convince everyone I'm fine enough to go home._

_Ha, if I even still have one._

_Hopefully no next time, H. x_

_._

There was a light knock on Harry's door, followed by two harder knocks and Harry almost screamed in relief, knowing that was the guy that promised some drugs.

"Thank you so much, fuck I owe you."

"Yeah, you do." He said sternly, pushing Harry back into his room. His eyes widened and he started to freak out, trying his best to push the larger man off him. "Keep fighting it, dollface. It just makes it more fun for me."

Exactly thirty-seven minutes later, Harry was alone, blood dripping down his legs. Small bruises everywhere and tear tracks on his cheeks. Knowing he couldn't be seen like this, he quickly limped his way to the bathroom down the hall.

There was no getting around it, he had to go wash off and he'd have to pass Louis' room, and Lord knows the others were in there with him. It's not that he's been avoiding them on purpose, he just couldn't be social now with his current state of mind. Especially now that he was just  _violated_ by one of the other patients. With a shaky breath, Harry quickly walked by, letting out a sigh of relief when he got to the bathroom unnoticed. He put the water on in the showers and scrubbed his whole body, still shaking violently.

After what felt like hours, Harry dressed himself and disposed of the stained clothes, hoping the nurses wouldn't notice. The walk back to his room was easier, and he still went unnoticed until he got back into his room, exactly two minutes before his nurse would come in, which gave him enough time to clean his bed, grab his journal and black pen, and lay down by the window.

"Hey Harry, you doin okay?" Harry's nurse, Sharon, asked slowly, hoping Harry was in one of his calm moods instead of his usual manic stage. She was met with a blank stare and empty eyes. A small sigh fell, "I have your medicine," Harry shook his head, "Harry, you need to take it. They'll take you to solitary if you don't."

Harry bit his lip, looking up at her. He took his medicine with a grimace, gulping the water immediately after.

"Thank you, Harry. I know it's a pain, but it's gonna help you get better. I promise." Sharon smiled at him, patting his shoulder. "I think you have some visitors, as well." She motioned towards he door.

Liam gave a shy wave, stepping aside so Niall and Louis could enter the room.

"Hey, H. Thought we'd come brighten up your day a little bit." Louis smiled, pulling out a deck of cards from behind his back. "Go fish?"

Harry let out a little chuckle, then nodded and scooted over on his bed. He debated for a second whether or not to tell Louis what had happened, but he barely knew the boy - he couldn't just dump his problems on him when Harry was sure Louis had problems of his own.

..

**February's 28th, 2015**

"I'm not crazy." Harry whispered, his eyes almost pitch black as tears fell from them. "I'm not  _fucking_  crazy! Please don't put me by myself, please. I've been alone my whole life." Sharon put her arms around Harry, who immediately started crying into her chest. "I'm not a bad person. I'm not crazy." He kept the last two sentences on repeat as he sobbed.

Everyone looked on at the scene in front of them, no one quiet sure what to do. Louis chewed on the corner of his nail before he got an idea. It was a long shot, but it was worth a try.

"Sharon? Can I take Harry to his room?" The nurse nodded, giving Harry a sympathetic smile as Louis grabbed his arm gently, leading him out of the crowded cafeteria.

"I didn't even do anything, I just wanted to be okay. I just wanted everything to be okay. I didn't know that would happen." Harry whispered into Louis' neck, clinging to him desperately.

He brought Harry over to the window and laid down on the couch so he could position Harry perfectly in his lap. Running his fingers through the soft, slightly damp curls, Louis spoke up. "What didn't you think would happen, love?" all he got in response were louder sobs. "Hey, hey it's okay. I promise. You're gonna be okay. You have me now, yeah? I know I'm not much, but it's something, alright?" Louis kept playing with Harry's hair, wanting to pull the shaking boy into a hug.

"It wasn't worth it." Harry sobbed brokenly, but Louis was able to make out the words. He lifted Harry ever so slightly so he could hold the boy a little easier.

"What wasn't worth it, love?"

Harry shook his head, "Can't tell." He whispered, hiding his face again.

From experience, Louis knew it would be best not to pester Harry about the situation and upset him even more. "Tired?" A small nod was received before he led the tired boy to bed, tucking him in.

"Thank you, Lou." Harry said quietly, snuggling into his covers.

"Anytime, curly." He gave Harry a warm smile and ruffled his curls. As soon as Harry's eyes were closed, Louis left the room. His eyes lingered on Harry's sleeping figure for a few seconds, taking in the peaceful look he had on his face. The boy was so beautiful - it hurt Louis to know that Harry was in a place like this. Hopefully it's good though, hopefully Harry will get better.

_'Don't even think about it.'_ The voice in Louis' head told him, causing Louis to frown. He looked down at his body and shivered, seeing how fat his thighs had gotten today.

Impossible for the food he had digested today to already appear on his body in such a noticeable way, but there was no use trying to convince Louis of that. He felt the fat grow on him before he even lifted the fork to his chapped lips. Even thinking about food, he could feel his stomach growing.

Louis took a breath and walked back to his own room, letting tears fall as he closed the door. He was starting to get feelings for Harry and that scared him. After what happened with his previous boyfriend, Stan, he was a little gun-shy about everything regarding relationships.

Stan had been so mean to him. Louis liked to believe Stan is the reason for his eating disorder, but the voices quickly remind him that Stan simply wanted the best for Louis and himself - he didn't want to be seen with a fat slob on his arm.

The thought of Harry thinking that same thing made Louis' skin crawl. He knew he was in this place to get better so he doesn't drop dead, but that doesn't mean these people should be stuffing him to the brim with fatty foods and make him hate himself even more.

Louis wiped his eyes, tugging at the ends of his sweater. He pulled the covers back and got in his bed, hoping to fall asleep and shut the voices out a little while before he would have to eat again.

..

**March 1st** **,** **2015** **.**

_The doctors said they're gonna help me. I don't believe it. They said there's something wrong in my head, that's why I've been having so much trouble with everything lately. I think it's bullshit. There's nothing wrong with me, I just don't want to be here._

_I used the drugs I got. I've gotten more since then. The nurses are so oblivious. I even managed to get a razor snuck in from the same guy. I'm making the cuts on my hips and upper thigh, where no one can see. I was thinking of making a few on my wrist once it starts to get cold_ _._

_Since I'm not technically on file for self harming like this, I shouldn't be checked for it. But it's still risky._

_Louis comes by a lot, though. Sometimes he'll bring the lads with him. It's nice, I guess, to finally have friends that seemingly care about me. I wish I would have known them earlier, maybe none of us would even be in the mess. My feelings for Louis have gotten stronger. I'm starting to develop a small crush on him and honestly, it fucking sucks. I'll fall in love with him and then he'll leave me, just like Nick._

_Hopefully no next time, Harry. xx_


	3. in his room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: suicide and self harm

**Warning:** **s** **elf harm** **and suicide.**

..

**March 25th, 2015.**

_Zayn's gone._

_The nurses found him last night, hanging from his bed. Apparently he propped his headboard and bed against the wall and tilted it up so it was far enough off the ground for him to off himself.  The boys aren't taking it well at all, but that's expected. I try to keep them all okay as much as I can, but Niall won't talk to anyone, Louis can't stop crying long enough to breathe, and Liam won't even blink._

_Rest well, Zayn._

_Harry. xx_

..

Harry put his pen down with a sigh, casting his eyes around the library. A few people were in here - just a guy in the corner reading  _Pride and Prejudice_ for the second time, and a girl with glasses in the opposite corner holding a sketch book close to her chest. In one swift motion, Harry collected his pen and notebook - deciding to go for a walk.

He decided to stop by Niall's room to see how he was doing, make sure the boy was okay. He knew that out of all the boys, Niall was one of the most attached. I guess Zayn had that ability to break through Niall's anxiety and just make him feel normal again, so losing that has been a big blow to his recovery. 

"Ni?" Harry called, knocking on the door softly. He heard shuffling from the other side and then saw the door open, revealing a crazy-haired Niall. "Hey, bub. How're you holding up?"

Niall played with the end of his sleeve, not meeting Harry's eyes.

"Hey, it's alright. Just me, Harry. Nothing to be nervous about, I just wanted to come by and see if you wanted to do something? Maybe play a board game?"

"Z-Zayn lov-ed bo-board g-g-games." Niall sniffled, letting out a small cry. He hid his face in his hands, crying into them. Harry bit his lip and mentally smacked himself. He decided to just lead the boy to his bed, tucking him under the covers.

"Rest a bit, yeah? I know this has been really hard on you. My door is always open for you, Niall. I mean it." He said with a nod, leaving a kiss on Niall's temple. He felt so bad for the blonde haired boy - he just wanted to make him feel better.

Harry collected his things again and headed for the door, closing it softly so he wouldn't disturb the boy. He debating whether or not he should go to Liam's room, but decided against it. Zayn and Liam were really close, he was the only person Liam had spoken to since he arrived at the hospital. Harry knew that Liam was going to need time to process this - and not even a day after it happened was not enough for the boy.

So he took a breath and walked next door to his own room, figuring he could just sit by his window and write for the remainder of the day - maybe even get a few songs down.

That was another thing Harry had come to do while he was here. Sometime in the beginning of March he sat down and started writing words down, but the longer he looked he started to realise that the words sounded more like song lyrics, so he had been going to the music room a couple times a week and writing down some notes to go along with the lyrics.

He only had two songs written for now, but it was a good start. Harry was glad he found something occupy his time other than just writing about his day.

..

**April 5th 2015.**

_The boys haven't gotten much better at all. I don't see any of them that much, they usually stay in their room for lunch and therapy. I see Louis a few times and he tries to smile, but it's so weak and forced it breaks my heart even more._

_Liam's a wreck about it - he wont let go of Zayn's stuff, since Zayn had no family to contact they let Liam have most of Zayn's belongings. Niall's starting to sink back into his old ways, staying in his room most of the time. Anytime he's forced to be around people, he's pulling at his clothes or picking at his skin as he trembles ever so slightly._

_With Louis it's been getting harder to get him to eat anything at all other than a small piece of fruit. I didn't really even know Zayn that well, but I miss him. The small conversations I'd have with him_ _meant a lot to me and I could definetly feel myself being more open around him._

_I can tell he had a strong effect on this place, and everyone in it. What made him so tempted to off himself is the real question. He'd been taking his medicine and everything and he'd been showing such improvement - the doctors have been talking about releasing him soon possibly._

_Maybe that was it? Zayn was in here for so long. He was probably too scared to go out by himself again. Though he'd have to have a caregiver at home with him and check in for out-patient treatment, the fear is still crippling._

_-Harry xx_

_.._

"H-Harry..?" Louis sniffled, knocking on the door softly. The boy in question shot up and put his journal neatly on the desk with his pen, then fixed his curls slightly before he opened the door to see Louis.

"Come on in, love," he said with a soft voice, leading the shaky boy into his room. "What's up?" Laying Louis down on the bed, Harry pulled a warm blanket over the two of them and pulled the tiny boy closer, taking in his coconut scented shampoo.

"I miss him," was all Louis could squeak out before a fit of sobs took over his small frame again. Harry wrapped a protective arm around the skinny lad and played with his hair as he sobbed.

"I know, baby boy. We all do, he was our sunshine, yeah?" Louis nodded again, curling up as small as he could.

"W-when I first got here, he was the first one that helped me. He got me to eat some of his lunch, said he wouldn't judge me for not eating the cardboard shit, though." Louis let out a weak chuckle, voice still cracking with every word. "L-Li won't even talk," Harry slid his hand down to run Louis' back, shushing him quietly.

"He'll be okay, Lou. He just needs time to process what happened," he explained quietly, "maybe we can try and get him out for a bit after lunch." Louis nodded a little and sniffled, pulling back. He grabbed Harry's hand and played with his fingers.

"Have you.. Have you ever tried?" He whispered, meeting Harry's eyes. He felt tears forming again when Harry nodded,

"A couple times, actually." He answered just as quietly. "Have you?"

"No. I don't think I'd ever be able to, I just can't imagine hating your life so much that you'd want to end it all..." Louis trailed off, playing with Harry's ring finger.

"Sometimes that's not the case, sometimes you just get so overwhelmed with what's happening you just want it to stop. Suicide is final, life is never for sure. That scares some people, and I think that's what happened with Zayn, he just got so overwhelmed and was so scared about what would happen afterwards, and it just became too much." Louis sniffled again, his eyes meeting Harry's glazed emerald ones.

"Don't be scared, H. You'll always have me to keep you balanced." He admitted, nodding his head.

"No one's ever said that to me," Harry murmured, shaking his head.

"But I-" Louis was cut off by a knock at the door, one of Harry's nurses popped in and told them it was lunch time. "After therapy, meet me in my room?" Harry nodded and got up, walking to the lunch room, still holding Louis' hand with a small blush. They went through the line and got their respective lunches, then found their seats next to Niall.

"Hey, Ni. How're you holdin up?" Harry asked quietly, watching the boy tremble and look around nervously.

"F-fi-fine." Harry nodded and looked and Louis, then back at the shaking boy. "I-I'm gon-gonna g-go." He stuttered quickly, picking up his tray. Louis watched him leave and sighed quietly, shaking his head.

"He's never been this bad, H." He muttered, tears brimming in his crystal eyes. "I'm so scared, everyone is taking this so hard and I-I don't kn-know wh-what to- to do."

"Hey, hey, Lou. It's okay. We'll get them back to normal eventually, okay? It's just gonna take some time. You have me though, I promise. I'm not going anywhere any time soon." Louis nodded weakly, pushing his tray away. "Can you please try? For Z? He wanted you to get better, Lou." Harry said quietly, picking up the cubed piece of watermelon.

Louis was too weak to fight, so he silently opened his mouth and let Harry feed him and praise him every time he took a bite. After almost half his slice of fruit, he shook his head, telling Harry it was too much. Harry nodded quickly and grabbed his protein shake Louis had to drink, and tilted it up to Louis' lips. "I'm so proud of you, baby boy. You did so good, maybe at dinner we can try and get you a salad?" Louis nodded, his cheeks going pink at the sudden attention, but he wasn't one to complain.

The boys threw the remaining food away and started on towards their group therapy session where they talked a little about Zayn, and a few other things that were brought up.

On the other end of the hospital, Niall looked around with wide eyes, making his way to Liam's room. He couldn't think straight, and he wasn't sure if this was the best thing to be doing, but it was worth it for both of them.

"L-Li-Liam?" He asked quietly, opening the door a little. "I-I bro-brought you a sn-snack." Niall added, walking into the cold room. His heart broke when he saw Liam in one of Zayn's sweaters, all curled up in a corner. He looked up at Niall with dead eyes and shook his head, returning to his position on the floor. "Pl-please?" He whispered hopefully, walking over to the silent boy cautiously. "I-I kno-know it's ha-hard b-but-" he was cut off when Liam let out a loud sob, clutching his heart through the sweater. Niall quickly rushed over and wrapped his arms around the brown eyed boy, holding him as tight as he could with tears starting to fall of his own. They both say there on the floor, crying into each other, their grips tightening with each passing minute.

Niall eventually quieted his own cries down to whimpers, while Liam was still bawling into his hands. With a deep breath, Niall began to sing Lego House. Surprisingly, as he sang Liam started to calm down the slightest bit. So the two sat like that, clinging onto each other while small sniffles and whimpers mixed with Niall's voice circled the room.

And when the nurses went in there to check up, they may have let Niall sleep with Liam that night.

..

**April 6th** **,** **2015**

_I cut again last night. Deeper than the others. I didn't feel the pain though, it's like I've become numb to everything. I'm hiding it better, though. I did it on my arm, which was very stupid, but it's still chilly outside and definitely still cold enough inside to get away with it. I'm gonna try and get to the showers early this morning, it's 5 a.m right now, so no one will be there and I can do it again._

_Better already, Harry. xx_

..

Harry sighed and put his pen down, grabbing his shampoo and soap while heading out the door to the showers. They were surprisingly nice, always clean and a decent size.

He took a look in the mirror and shook his head, taking in his messy curls and sunken eyes. His body was pale and lined with scars, some new and some old. He poked one of the newer ones and hissed slightly when it started bleeding. After a shallow sigh, he hopped in the shower and scrubbed his skin raw as best he could with just a bar of soap. He towel dried his hair and body, then got dressed in the grey knit sweater and pants he was given.

Biting his lip, Harry took a breath before he peeled back the tile on the shower wall so he could fit a finger in the crack and pull out a small metal container that held his blade. He took a look at the raw skin of his wrist and shook his head, slashing into it without a second thought.

He made four new marks on his forearm before he decided he should leave before anyone else comes in. Placing the blade back in the box, and placing the box behind the tile, Harry grabbed his small bag of toiletries and headed off back to his room. He immediately dropped the bag, however, when he took in the sight before him.

Louis was curled up on himself near Harry's bed with Sharon and Niall trying to calm him down. "H-he's gone! He l-left just li-ke Zayn!" Louis hiccuped, throwing weak punches at Niall who tried to comfort him. "M-my Ha-Hazza."

"Loubear," Harry whispered, rushing over to the boy. Sharon and Niall got up and decided they should leave Harry to calm the boy down. "Hey, what's wrong? I just went to take a shower, love," he quickly assured, taking the skinny boy into his arms.

"Th-thou-ght you le-left!" Louis cried pitifully, grabbing a fistful of Harry's sweater. "M-my Ha-Haz." Harry made quick work of placing the small boy into his lap, giving him easier access to playing with Louis' hair, frowning when he felt a small ball of hair come out as he carded his fingers through it.

"Oh, Lou..." Harry trailed off, pulling his hand back to examine the hair. "What've you done to yourself?" He whispered, dreading the answer. The thought of the small boy starving himself to death made Harry want to protect him at all costs. He always heard stories of what happens to people with eating disorders, but knowing that those stories might become a reality as Harry held the small ball of feathery brown, slightly greasy, hair made him shudder.

"I've been eating!" Louis quickly defended himself, grabbing the hair from Harry's palm. He looked at the small ball and shook his head, "I-I've..." he trailed off, feeling a new set of tears start to form.

"Hey, why don't we just lay here for a bit and nap, yeah? Breakfast doesn't start for another hour." Harry suggested, slowly moving the shaking boy out of his lap so they could move to the bed. "C'mere, love," he said softly, reaching for Louis' hand. "Did you sleep last night?"

Louis shook his head after a while, curling into Harry's side once they laid under the sheets. "That's why I came here so early, I needed to talk to you. But you weren't here and I just - I panicked."

"I'm sorry, Lou. I'm so proud of you for doing so well," He murmured, rubbing the elders back softly. "So proud of my bubs," Louis felt a blush creep its way up his cheeks and he hid his face in Harry's neck, shaking his head quickly. "Yes! You're so lovely, bubs. My lovely Lou."

"You're making me blush." Louis whimpered with a smile,

"Good." Harry countered, smiling so wide his dimples nearly split. "Get some rest, lovely Lou." he added, kissing the top of his head as gently as he could. "I'm right here if something happens." he promised quietly, wrapping his free arm around Louis shoulders.

..

**April 6th** **,** **2015.**

_Me again, haha. This morning after my shower, Louis and I cuddled for a bit in bed before breakfast. I came back into my room and he was on the floor sobbing his eyes out and kept saying that I was gone and I left him. He looked so broken, I could feel my heart breaking. I gave him a hug and told him I was there with him and he kept saying "my hazza" it was so cute but still made me sad._

_Everything about him is so confusing, but god damn I just wanna hold him as tight as possible and keep him safe from the world. God, he's so beautiful. It's breathtaking. Whoever made him feel so low about himself to make him start starving himself deserves nothing less than hell._

_I don't believe in love at first sight. But I do believe in being infatuated with someone the first time you lay eyes on them, then you can fall in love with them later._

_And god damn am I helplessly infatuated with Lovely Louis Tomlinson._

_Fuck, Harry. xx_  
  
  


 


	4. he cries, the way he feels inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im still trying to fix these chapters iahfskjhsdiufkajsfnlisukjndkf
> 
>  
> 
> i hope no one had any form of notifcation for this book

**April** **7th,** **2015.**

Harry walked into the cafeteria with a small smile, spotting Louis almost instantly. He was sitting next to the door with Niall on his left and, surprisingly, Liam on his right.

"Li!" Harry said, smile growing, taking his seat in front of the three boys. "I'm so glad you're out and about," he said sincerely, then turned to Niall. "Did you work your magical Irish powers on him?" Louis chuckled, picking at his salad mindlessly.

"Su-sup-pose." Niall gave the tiniest smile, Harry opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by a nurse putting his hand on Louis and Niall's shoulders.

"Sorry, lads. Time for a test!" He said, pointing to the small bundle of nurses by the bathroom doors.

"T-test?" The colour drained from Harry's face as he gulped, looking around.

"Just a drug test, no blood or needles involved," the nurse assured, nodding his head.

"D-drug te-test?" Harry stuttered again, his hands starting to shake. The three boys across from him looked at each in confusion,

"You just have to pee in the cup, H. They won't take blood or anything," Louis said, raising his eyebrow at the lad.

"I-I-I," The nurse walked around the table and put his hands on Harry's shoulders, helping the shaking boy up.

"C'mon, son. It won't be bad at all, trust me. Then you can go back to breakfast with your friends." Harry swallowed dryly and nodded. Louis noticed how his body was shaking the slightest bit.

"I-is h-he alrig-ht?" Niall asked, tilting his head slightly.

"Dunno, he looks so scared." Louis answered, then shook his head, "probably just scared they'll end up pokin him with a needle." He nodded, content with his explanation.

..

**April** **9th,** **2015.**

"Oi, Hazza! Liam, Niall and I were gonna go play scrabble in the library, wanna join?" Louis smiled, tugging at Harry's sleeve once he caught up to him.

"Oh, um, y-yeah." Harry answered nervously, trying to pry his sleeve from Louis' small hands. The ladder didn't seem to notice and proceeded to drag him down the hall to the small library.

"Vibey isn't a word, love." Harry chuckled, looking up from the board.

"Hey, I said it, therefore making it, in fact, a word." He huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Harry Styles, lets go." A nurse with two security men entered the room, walking over go Harry.

"Wh-what?" Louis answered, looking at Harry with wide eyes.

"Your tests came back positive. You've been found with traces of cocaine in your body. " Harry gulped, his throat instantly going dry as he felt everyones eyes on him. "You're going to solitary to detox."

"No!" Harry screamed, trying to fight his way out of the nurses grip. Through the struggle, his sleeve flew up, revealing all of the fresh, angry red marks on his milky skin.

"Harry..." Louis whimpered, putting his hand over his mouth while Niall wrapped and arm around his shoulders.

"Self harming as well," The nurse stepped back to write something on her clipboard. "Mr. Styles, please cooperate. It will be a lot easier for everyone involved. It's your first offence and the traces seem to be a few days old, so you won't be getting in much trouble. If you're in our ICU before the withdrawals start you'll be a lot more comfortable." She explained, giving him a sympathetic look.

"Please, H. Please go. You need to get better." Louis murmured, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Please don't let them take me." Harry whimpered, "I didn't mean to do it- I didn't," He cried. One of the guards took his arm, to which Harry didn't bother to put up a fight. He looked at Louis with sad eyes, biting his lip.

"I'm not mad at you, I'll see you soon." He promised, blowing a kiss to the boy as he was escorted out.

"Harry Styles, found with cocaine in his system. Upon obtaining patient Styles self inflicted cuts were found on his left forearm." The nurse, who Harry found out was named Taylor, told the lady behind the bars. A buzz was heard and Harry was lead into a small room, with a small, metal bed on the back wall. "We'll have a doctor come in soon and take a look at you. Please try to relax," She explained.

Harry flinched as the door slammed shut. He leaned his back against the wall and squeezed his eyes shut, cursing himself for everything that happened. 

..

Back in the library, Louis was holding onto Niall still, his tears had started to quiet down. Liam rubbed his back comfortingly, giving Niall a sad look.

"He was still using, Ni. What if he - oh God, he could have left me like Zayn." Louis said, a fresh round of tears flowing from his crystal eyes. "I-I'm gonna head to m-my room," he whispered, giving the two a sad smile before he got up and headed towards the door. He quickly made his way down the hall to Harry's room, biting his lip as he twisted the knob and walked in. He looked around with teary eyes, landing on a leather journal neatly placed on the corner. He bit his lip and slowly walked over to it, running his fingers over the cover. With a deep breath, he grabbed the book and sat down on the bed, opening to the first page.

**February 2nd** **,** **2011.**

_My friend got me this journal for my birthday yesterday. His name is Nick Grimshaw, but I like calling him Grimmy - it makes him smile._

_Anyway, I told him about my self harm a while back and he said I should try writing everything down, says it'll help with the cravings. So when I got home today I decided to write and see if it'll get rid of the urge to slash my wrists tonight! :)_

_Mum told me this morning that she wished she would have gotten an abortion when she was pregnant with me. Lovely way to start the day, innit? Got me thinkin, why didn't she? If I'm such a fuck up, maybe I should just be dead. Grimmy picked me up after that and we headed to school, where Josh and his friends decided I was dressed "too gay" to be there. It's alright though, my shirts are red now. Thanks guys!_

_The rest of my day went on like that till Grimmy dropped me off. He said we should hang out this weekend, I told him we had a thing to go to with Gemma. I just don't wanna hang out with him and his friends, I'm just a ball of depression and self destruction._

_Maybe I'll finally kill myself,_

_Harry. xx_

..

Louis felt his heart clench as he read. He quickly shut the book and put it away, knowing Harry would get upset if he found out Louis had went through his personal book. He decided he should get back to his room so Niall won't be too lonely, but first he went to the drawers and grabbed one of Harry's purple jumpers, hugging the material close to his chest.

He took a deep breath, inhaling the vanilla/cinnamon-y smell that reminded him so much of Harry.

After everything that happened with Zayn, and how much a big help Harry has been with him and the other two lads, Louis has been feeling his emotions grow for the boy. He scared him so much to think that he was growing closer to someone - opening himself up again to someone when he knew that Harry had the power to break Louis into a million pieces.

Louis knew that if he let another person break him like that, he'd never be able to recover. But there was just something about Harry that made him so...  _Harry._ The way he cares for the lads like they've known each other for years, the way he's so gentle and understanding when it comes to Louis and food - he doesn't pressure Louis into eating like other people may.

..

"The cuts on your arms, Harry, were they self inflicted?" The doctor asked in a warm voice, slightly calming Harry's nerves. With a bowed head, he nodded slowly. "When's the last time you hurt yourself?"

"Couple days ago," Harry whimpered, looking down at his laceless shoes.

"Any reason?" He shook his head, not trusting his voice right now. "Alright," the doctor sighed, "we're gonna keep you in solitary for a little while so we can keep a close eye on you. Now as for the drugs, who brought them to you?"

"I-I," Harry gulped, his palms sweaty, "I had them with me when I got here, I, uh, I hid it." The doctor nodded,

"Damn check in people," he grumbled. "Told them to check everywhere." The doctor sighed and looked at Harry. "If you're found with drugs in your system or on your person again, you'll be staying here a lot longer than a few days, understood?" Harry nodded quickly and stepped down from the table, following the doctor out of the small room, back into his own.

Once the door slammed shut, Harry threw his head back against the wall, slowly sliding down it. He sat there with his knees curled up to his chest while he squeezed his eyes shut.

If only he knew, back in the main building, Louis was sinking in Harry's purple jumper, staring up at the ceiling with tears in his eyes, wanting his Hazza to come cuddle him and tell him the voices aren't right.   
  


 


	5. its too much for him

☹️

..

**April 20th, 2015**

Harry has been in solitary for twelve days.

He hasn't been eating the food they've given him. His face has hallowed out, his milky skin is now sickly pale. He had become dehydrated from the crying he'd done in here, causing him to be hooked up to an iv for the past two days. He was starting to forget what his own voice sounded like, as well as the voice of others. He hadn't heard another voice since the first day he was brought in here.

"Mr. Styles, let's go." Harry's head snapped up at the sound, causing him to get on his feet quickly. He looked at the nurse and raised his eyebrows. "The doctor has cleared you to leave,"  The nurse he quickly remembered as Taylor explained, opening the door wide enough for him to walk out.

"R-really?" His voice was raspy and hoarse. Harry swallowed dryly and walked out with Taylor who nodded at him, leading him to the white hallway.

"It's just about lunch time, you can head to the cafeteria right now. I'll get your paper work finished up and sent off soon." Harry nodded and licked his lips as he walked through the heavy double doors, letting out a quiet sigh of relief when he's met with the warm beige walls. His eyes adjusted slowly and he walked a little clumsily to the cafeteria. He went to tug down his sleeves, but realised that he had changed into a t-shirt after his arm had been wrapped up, after looking around he gulped and walked towards the lunch line, grabbing the tray of food that he greatly appreciated. Once he was out of the line he made quick work of getting to the table by the door that sat Louis, Liam and Niall.

"H-Ha-rry!" Niall said, his eyes wide.

"That's not funny, Niall. Don't tease me." Louis mumbled, pushing his tray far away from him. Niall shook his head and quickly tapped at Louis' shoulder, pointing behind him with the other hand.

"Hi, Louis." Harry murmured, walking up to him quickly. He placed his tray down next to Niall before walking up to the brown haired boy. "I missed you," he said with a smile, wrapping his arms around Louis from behind.

"I missed you too, Harry." Louis whispered back, holding the boy as tightly as he could. "Please don't ever leave me again. Please?" He pleaded quietly, pulling away a little bit to look into Harry's eyes.

"Never." Harry answered back, smiling nervously. His mind started to wander to how nice it would feel if he just  _leaned in a little bit and pressed his lips against Louis' soft, thin, pink lips-_

"I m-mis-missed y-ya to-too, H-Har-ry." Niall said with a slight smirk, making Louis' cheeks turn a deep shade of red.

"You alright, Ni?" Harry smiled, pulling him in for a hug. He turned to Liam, who was smiling brightly up at him. "Missed you, Liam." He said, returning the smile as he hugged the silent lad, rubbing his back while he did.

"C-can we go to your room after lunch?" Louis said, trying (and failing) to contain his excitement. He went to grab Harry's arm, his smile instantly dropped when he saw the white wrapping around it. He ran his fingers over the material and looked back up at Harry, his features softening.

"As long as you eat," Harry said sternly, and put his hand on top of Louis' smaller on on his wrist. "It's over now, Lou." He assured him with a sad smile. He pulled his tray closer to Louis and gave him a small pout, "at least try, for me, yeah? I'm here now, you don't have to worry." Louis blushed again and nodded, pulling at his veggie wrap. He finished half of it before he pushed his tray away again.

"Can't." He mumbled, shaking his head.

"No, no, baby that's okay. You did amazing," Louis' face almost split in half from the wide smile he was sporting. He grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him up, grabbing both of their tray's to dump out before they left. "You're excited," Harry observed, a goofy smile on his face.

"Wanna show you something," Louis bit his lip to hide his smile, dragging him down the hall to the taller boys room. "I know you've only been gone twelve days, but I wanted to show you something that I hoped would make you happy," he trailed off, closing the door. He walked over to Harry and took a deep breath, grabbing the bottom of his jumper. He looked down at his hands and started to lift his jumper off, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood as he did.

"Lou I-"

"No, n-no. My doctor told me I started to gain weight and I was starting to fill out again, and the voices keep calling me disgusting and worthless, but I just," he took a breath, "you mean a lot to me and I wanted to get your opinion..." he trailed off, taking a step back so Harry could get a good look at his body. 

Harry's heart broke when he saw Louis, all this ribs were poking out and his hip bones caused a bridge to form from his pants. His stomach was concave, only a slight bit, but it was still noticeable. "Oh, Lou," he whispered, raising his hand cautiously to Louis' stomach.

"I'm disgusting, aren't I?" Louis sniffled, backing away from him.

"No, Louis. You're so... so beautiful." Harry whispered again, moving closer until Louis was backed against the wall, trapped between Harry's hands. "I've never seen someone as beautiful as you, Louis." He said sincerely, raising his hand up to caress the small boy's cheek. "No matter how much weight you gain or lose, you'll always be beautiful to me. No matter what those voices tell you, you will always be beautiful to me. No matter what happens, you'll always be my lovely Lou." He murmured, leaning in to brush his lips against Louis' cheek, then ran his thumb over the spot. "You know that, Louis?" He let his lips linger right over the small boys.

"Kiss me." Louis whispered, wrapping his arms around Harry's neck. The taller lad nodded quickly and leaned in, closing the gap. Harry let his other hand go around Louis' small waist, pulling him closer. The kiss only lasted a few seconds before Louis pulled away, resting his forehead against Harry's.

"You're so beautiful." Harry mumbled, pulling him in for a second kiss. Louis bushed and kissed back for a few seconds before he pulled away again, wrapping his arms around his body.

"'M cold," He murmured silently, cuddling into Harry's chest. "Can we cuddle?" He asked hopefully, Harry laughed and nodded, grabbing Louis' jumper from the floor.

..

"R-room?" Niall asked, looking at Liam once they got out of the therapy session. The brown eyed boy nodded and grabbed Niall's hand with a small smile. Once they reached Liam's room, he sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to him for Niall to sit. "H-how are you do-doing to-day?"

Liam nodded and gave him a small smile, then tapped Niall's arms, a signal that meant he wanted to cuddle. Niall happily agreed and laid down, pulling the boy into his arms. After a few minutes, Liam bit his lip and turned his body to face the taller boy. He opened his mouth and shut it a few times before he coughed a little, causing Niall to raise his eyebrow at the boy.

"I-I-I-" Liam spoke, his voice was crackly and raspier than Niall would have thought. Nonetheless, the latter's face broke out into a wide smile, his eyes shinning at the boy.

"Y-yea-h?" He murmured back, his smile never fading.

Liam shook his head, not being able to gain the energy and confidence to finish.

"You-your v-voice is s-so won-wonde-rful." Niall whispered, running his fingers through Liam's hair. Liam chewed on his lip and nodded silently, his eyes watering slightly. "Try ag-again so-soon, yeah?"

..

**April 23rd, 2015.**

_Big news!! Louis and I kissed! His lips are like heaven. I could kiss them all day long. He showed me his chest and stomach, and I never realised how skinny he was. His stomach was all sunken in and you could count all the bones on his body. It made my heart clench, it hurt so bad. He's such a beautiful person, I can't believe something like this happened to him. I just hope I can help him through it. He's been gaining weight lately though!! The lads and I have been helping him eat more and more each day. He gets one day a week where he doesn't have to eat as much as the rest of the days, just so we don't throw all of this at him too quickly._

_Speaking of the lads, Liam talked! Not to us, but he talked to Niall a couple nights ago - the same night Louis and I kissed. He_ _didn't say more than one word, but Niall was so excited - as are the rest of us._

_Especially Niall, though._

_They're so cute! Louis and I officially named them Niam. They wanted Liall, but Louis quickly shot that down. In order to "get back at us" they named us Larry. It's quite cute, actually._

_Until tomorrow,_   
_Harry. xx_

..

Harry closed his journal with a happy sigh, leaning back in his chair. His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door, which he figured was Louis. After fixing his hair as best he could, he opened the door and his smile dropped.

 _"_ Miss me, dollface?" Harry's breathing hitched and he tried closing the door, but was pushed back roughly. "You can't just leave me, princess. You still owe me." He started biting Harry's neck, pulling his shirt off. "You almost got me in trouble, baby. They came in to search my room, said someone tipped them off. I knew my angel would never tell on me, right?"

Harry whimpered and shook his head, trying to get the rough hands off his hips. "What did I say about fighting me, my little princess?" Another whimper left Harry's lips and he kept trying to fight back, until he was on his stomach on the bed with his hands held behind his back tight enough to leave a bruise. 

..

Across the hall, Louis was in his one-on-one therapy session with Doctor Edwards, a very lovely woman with blonde hair and a nice nose ring.

"So, Louis. It's been a few days since the last time we talked. Has anything happened since then?" Louis bit his lip and nodded, pulling at a loose thread on his jumper.

"I, um, I showed Harry my stomach." He admitted, nodding his head. "Kept thinking he was gonna be like Stan and just leave, or tell me I'm too fat for him," he sniffled, "but he just held me really close and said no matter what he would always think I'm beautiful."

"He sounds like a keeper," Dr. Edwards smiled at him, patting his knee.

"After that, he kissed me." Louis blushed again, failing to hide his growing smile.

"Louis! That's great! You've coming so far since you first got here, love." He nodded, feeling a little more confident.

"Suppose so, I've been feeling better lately. But I've also been thinking about everything, you know, that led up to the eating disorder," he cringed slightly at the word. "And,  I think I started to realise that it's not my fault." Dr. Edwards nodded, encouraging him to keep going. "Stan, I think, he made me think I had to be skin and bones in order to gain his love, and I had just agreed to it because I was, at the time, so in love with him I wanted nothing more than for him to feel the same. After that day that I got sent here, I started to hate him so much for everything that he did, but I still hated myself for not trying harder. I think now I'm starting to understand that I was so blinded by my love for him I just did anything he told me. And then Harry told me no matter what he'd think I'm beautiful, and Stan never said that to me. If he did compliment me, he would just call me hot or sexy.

Knowing that Harry thinks enough of me to actually call me that, it made my heart flutter and I got butterflies." Louis grabbed his stomach with a smile, "he makes me want to get better, then maybe I can get out and we can have a live together. I hope, at least. I don't wanna sound like a weird creepier or anything, but I don't think I could make it as far as I've gotten already without him." Dr. Edwards smiled at the boy and adjusted herself in her seat.

"I'm glad you and Harry found each other. I'm really glad you're starting to think things through and stop blaming yourself as much. You've been doing so good, Louis." The boy smiled brightly and nodded, standing up once the doctor did. "I'll see you next week, alright? It better be more good news."

"I'll try," Louis laughed lightly, walking out the door and down the hallway. On his way back to his room, he checked in on Liam, who was blushing profusely at something that was on the floor. Once he walked in, he saw a familiar head of blonde hair laying on the floor below Liam, making a funny face. "You two are disgustingly cute." He shook his head, smiling at the two. Niall laughed and flipped him off, causing Liam to let out a quiet laugh.

"G-go fin-find your b-boyfriend!" Niall called back at him. Louis grinned and nodded, not even bothering to correct the mistake.

Because maybe he wouldn't mind having Harry as a boyfriend.   
  
  


 


	6. when all you got is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: MEENTIONS OF RAPE
> 
> also an insight into harry's life before being admitted
> 
>  
> 
> im still trying to fix all the chapters

 

 

**April 27th 2015**

All the lads were gathered around the table at breakfast, they were all still groggy because someone on the upper level decided to pull a fire alarm, so once they evacuated the building only to find out that nothing happened, they just decided to send everyone off the breakfast.

Harry took sips of his orange juice and groaned when he kept dropping the cereal from his spoon back into the bowl. Louis kept falling asleep with half a pop tart hanging out of his mouth, his head was resting in his sweater covered hand. Niall and Liam were leaning against each other, both picking at their omelettes tiredly.

"I'm going back to bed." Harry mumbled, picking his bowl up to drink the rest of the -now chocolate- milk and few stray bits of his cocoa puffs. He drank the rest of his juice and got up to throw it all out. "G'night lads." He yawned, walking back to his room after he heard everyone groan in response.

"Hey sweetcheeks!" Luke, called out, tugging on his lip ring.

"Luke, please. Can't you just leave me alone for one day? I'm sorry you got searched but I never named you. I already gave you want you wanted for the drugs. Just leave me alone, yeah?" Harry pleaded, his eyes dropping as he reached his door.

"Oh, Harry. It doesn't work like that. I gave you a lot of coke, and two quickies isn't gonna pay that off." He shook his head, pushing Harry into the room so he could lock it.

Harry begged him to stop, even tried to scream when Luke yanked his sweatpants down, which earned him a harsh slap to the face.

..

"Hazza? You in there?" Louis asked, turning the handle to the door. "The lads and I wanted to go watch a movie, wanna join?" He walked over to the bed, followed by Liam and Niall.

Harry groaned in response, his body aching with every breath. "Not today, lads." His voice cracked, but thankfully the boys thought it was just from all the sleep.

"Are you sure? We could bring a card game in and play?" Louis suggested,

"No thanks, Lou. You lot go have fun, I'm really knackered." He yawned, pulling the sheets up higher to cover the bruises on his body.

"Alright," Louis nodded, brushing a stray curl from Harry's cheek. Harry gave him a smile, watching as the boy left. "We'll be just down the hall if you need anything."

"Thank you, lads. Have fun." He replied, letting out a sigh of relief when the door closed. He bit down on his bottom lip, hoping to stop the tears and emotions long enough so that he could fall asleep and get a little bit more peace and quiet.

Almost three and a half hours later, there was a knock at the door reminding Harry of lunch. The boy let out another groan, but got up anyway.

After walking through the line, Harry met with his friends at the table. Louis started to talk about them going out to the garden tomorrow to do some work out there, to which the other boys agreed to.

"After therapy, can we go to your room?" Harry asked quietly, his voice wavering slightly. Louis nodded with a smile and reached over the table to grab his hand and give it a light squeeze. They all chatted for the remainder of lunch before Niall and Liam left to go watch another movie. Louis grabbed Harry's hand and they went to their group therapy until it was over. Nothing ever happened in there, they just talked about random things mostly. So once they were released, Harry walked slightly behind Louis on their way back to the short lads room.

Harry ran his hands over Louis' collarbones as they laid in silence, looking up at the ceiling. Neither boy talked, they just sat in silence stealing glances at each other and exchanging longing touches. The sun had gone down and the room had started to go dim, making Harry's skin looked like it was damn glowing. After clearing his throat, Louis began to speak.

"Do you know how beautiful you are, Harry? You tell me a lot, but has anyone ever told you?" He whispered, playing with Harry's larger hand. "And your curls,  _god damn_ Harry, those curls are gonna be the death of me, I'm sure of it." Harry blushed, shaking his head, "don't shake that head at me, mister." He laughed lightly, intertwining his fingers with the other lads.

"Do you ever think back on how life used to be?" Harry murmured softly, his eyes lingering shut. "Like, back before everything got so complicated. I remember for my seventh birthday, my parents took me and my sister to DisneyWorld. I think there's even still a picture of me in my swimsuit at the waterpark," he chuckled, clearing this throat, "things were so easy, so simple. I had such a good life, Louis. My mum worked at the hospital down the road, my dad worked for a successful business. We weren't rich or anything, but we were comfortable, you know?" Louis nodded, holding the larger boy's hand as his raspy voice filled the dark air.

"Anyway, as I went into high school, my dad started to get very... abusive," Louis sucked in a breath, his grip tightening unknowingly on Harry's hand. "He didn't hit me, only when he would get really drunk, but he was very verbally abusive towards me. My sister didn't get it, she was the 'perfect Styles'. And once I came out, my mum started to be very cold towards me, she wouldn't talk to me and when she would, it's like a flip switched and she would scream at me for hours about how she wishes I was never born, that was the first night I cut myself. She told me she wished she would've aborted me when she had the chance." Harry chuckled dryly, opening his eyes as he continued.

"So I would go out with my friend Nick,"  _Grimmy_ Louis remembered him writing in his journal about the guy, "and he was an ace guy, loved him to death. But he introduced me to one of his friends who was a bit," Harry searched for the word, his face scrunching as he did, "sketchy, I suppose. He was a drug dealer, pretty well known in our town. But after talking to him, he started to convince me to get into drugs as well. And yes, we dated for a while. The cliche innocent boy dating the bad drug dealer who slowly corrupts him. But anyway, he got me hooked on some hard shit for a while, even shot up some heroine for a bit. Didn't take a liking to it and was able to kick it before that got too serious. He would usually just ignore me, unless he wanted sex or to try a new drug.

It got my mind off everything, you know?" Louis nodded, listening intently to whatever the boy had to say. "But, unfortunately, everything was still very much there. I would have to go home eventually and deal with my parents and how much of a failure I was in the family. One good thing about my life was my nan, though. She was the sweetest lady I've ever met." Harry smiled at the mention of her, "she would always make sure I was well fed and had everything I needed. I was actually going to move in with her before everything happened and I ended up in here.

My mum found me in the bathroom, it was the day my boyfriend broke up with me, 'parently I was so drunk I couldn't keep my eyes open. They took me to the hospital and I had alcohol poisoning and after a while there they found the drugs in my system and my mum let them take me here, said it would be better for me. Fucking bullshit, if you ask me. She just didn't want me around anymore. Blamed me for my dad leaving, said he left cause he didn't want to be associated with the scum of the earth." He scoffed, shaking his head.

"You're a tough cookie, Mr. Harry Whatever-Your-Middle-Name-Is Styles." Louis smiled, running his thumb down Harry's cheek. "That's a lot of shit for a eighteen-year-old to handle!"

"Thanks, Lou. It means a lot." Harry smiled back at him, his eyes shinning. "And it's Edward,"

"What's Edward?" Louis raised his brow in confusion, squinting his eyes slightly.

"My middle name, it's Edward. Harry Edward Styles." He clarified, still smiling at him.

"Oh! Well, in that case, Mr. Harry Edward Styles, I would like to express how proud I am of you for getting through all that, you didn't deserve any of that. And the thought of someone making my Hazza feel so bad about himself that he wants to harm himself, makes me want to cry and hold you really close and never let anything bad happen to you ever again." Louis pouted, attaching himself to the boy like a koala.

"Thank you, lovely Lou. But that's, unfortunately, just how life works. Bad things happen to good people, and people get things that they don't always deserve. But you just have to deal with it, that's what life is all about, innit?" He replied, pushing a piece of hair off of Louis' cheek. "Sorry for throwing my life story at you, you're just one of the only people that has actually let me talk about it, plus you're so easy to talk to. Got a little carried away," Harry blushed, leaning over to give him a small kiss.

"I loved listening to you, Hazza. I'm glad you trust me enough to talk to me about everything." Louis smiled into the kiss, wrapping his free arm hand around Harry, playing with the baby curls at the nape of his neck, running his nails through the boy's hair, earning a small moan.

Their lips moved against each others for what felt like hours, neither boy wanting to break the gentle kiss they started just yet. So neither of them did, until they had grown so tired they could barely open their eyes during the few moments when they would pull away to catch their breath. "Get some rest, love." Harry whispered to Louis, holding the lad close to his chest. The two fell asleep, a small smile on both of their lips.

..

**April 28th, 2015.**

"Harry! You have a visitor!" The boy in question choked on his cereal, putting himself into a coughing fit. Louis patted the boy's back while Niall and Liam suppressed laughs.

"A visitor?" Harry coughed, "w-who?"

"Gemma Styles, your sister?" Harry's fists clenched and he shook his head, turning back to his cereal.

"No, I don't want to see her." He mumbled. Louis rubbed his back and gave him a sympathetic look.

"You, uh, you might want to take this one." Sharon added, biting her bottom lip. Harry sighed and got up, giving Louis a quick kiss on the cheek before following his nurse through the double doors and into the large room that held a few chairs, some couches, a TV that hung on the back corner, and a few books. Through gritted teeth, Harry walked towards his now purple haired sister, who turned to look at him with teary eyes.

"Gem?" He rose his eyebrow, his expression softening a little when he saw her current state. "What happened?"

"Nan's dead." Gemma spat, her eyes glazed over. "She's dead and it's all your fault, Harry! You weren't there to take care of her!"

Harry stood there, his mouth slightly agape as he listened. "No," he whispered, not bothering to listen to the rest of what she was saying. "No, no she's not. She can't be, she was fine before." He whimpered, tears falling.

"Yeah, she was. But you had to go and get yourself thrown in here and you couldn't take care of her! She fell in the kitchen trying to get a bowl that you should have gotten for her!" Gemma yelled at him, pushing him back.

"How is it my fault! You're her grandchild also! She's just as much your responsibility as mine!" He countered, shaking his head. "It's not my fault."

"It's all your fault, Harry." She repeated, "I hope you feel better now with this guilt hanging over your head for the rest of your life. All she did was love you, and you didn't deserve any of it!" A nurse came in after hearing all the screaming going on. She grabbed Gemma's shoulders and started to lead her out, explaining that she was disturbing the patients outside.

"It's my fault." Harry whispered brokenly, falling to his knees on the cold tile. He put his head in his hands and cried until the same nurse that escorted Gemma out came back and helped him up,

"Let's get you to your room, dear." She said in a sympathetic voice, letting him cry into her shoulder while they made their way back down the hall to his room. "If you need anything, just give us a shout, okay? Take it easy for the rest of the day, someone will come in to bring you lunch and your medicine since you missed it at breakfast." She explained, helping him pull the covers over his lanky body as he curled up into a ball, pulling his pillows close enough to his face so he could cry into them. The nurse smiled sadly at him and left quietly, returning to her spot down the hall.

Harry was left alone for the next three hours. He went from crying to staring blankly at the wall to full on sobbing. The whole time he heard Gemma's words being repeated, almost as if they were on a record that was stuck playing inside his mind. He couldn't even begin to believe that the woman he had just been talking about last night - the lively woman that would always chase Harry around the house in her wheelchair with a pair of scissors wanting to give him a haircut - was now gone from his grasp. The worst part for him was that he never got to say goodbye, he just left her house one night and now he'd never be able to go back.

He wanted to get better for her. That's part of the reason he didn't fight the treatment he was being given. He wanted to get better, get a nice job, and be able to buy his nan the finest things for as long as he could.

It felt like there wasn't a reason to try and get better at this point. His mum was never going to speak to him again, Gemma blames him for their nans death - it's all too much for him.

He was doing so well with his recovery - but now it seemed like he had no reason to try. He just wanted to be with his nan.

 


	7. these four walls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: SELF HARM
> 
>  
> 
> follow me socials and be me friend 
> 
>    
> tumblr: @/larrysnightingale  
> instagram: @/harrysnightingale  
> twitter: @/justholdonlouuu

**April 29th** **,** **2015** **.**

Harry got up a little later than usual the next morning. After rubbing his eyes, he ran a hand through his greasy hair and made a face of disgust, deciding that he was going to go shower to get rid of the filth. He went through his usual routine, ignoring the glances the nurses gave him while he was on his way to the showers.

He set his towel down on the laminate counter top along with his small bag of toiletries. He grabbed his shampoo and soap, placing them on the floor of the shower before he peeled his dirty clothes off and balled them up carelessly, tossing them to the side of the counter. With a grateful sigh, he stepped in the shower and let the warm water cascade down his body.

As he stood there washing his hair, he started to think about yesterday and why he didn't change into his pyjamas before he went to bed. Now that he thinks about it, he doesn't remember anything past his nurse telling him his sister came to visit, saying she had some news-

_Oh._

The realisation hit Harry so hard he fell to the floor, his back pressed against the cold, aquamarine tile. A loud sob escaped his lips, which he quickly suppressed by slapping his hand over his mouth. His eyes became bloodshot as his crying progressed, his body hunched forward and shaking. He did his best to keep quiet, so no one would hear and come in, because in that moment the only person that could help him was somewhere up above him, watching the scene take place with a heavy heart.

A second realisation hit him and he stood up quickly, ignoring the wave of nausea that hit him. He peeled back the shower tile and stuck his finger in until he felt a familiar object. With shaky fingers he grabbed his blade and shoved everything else back in the wall, replacing the tile as he did. Harry held his arm out and looked at his scarred wrist and pressed the blade to it. He was about to drag it across his skin when he heard his nan's words echoing through his head.

"I love you, Harry. You're gonna do such amazing things when you get older. I'll always be there with you, cheering you on."

The blade hit the ground and Harry's body shook with more sobs, holding his head between his knees.

..

For the first time in a long time, Liam had gotten up earlier than he usually does. After he rubbed his eyes and yawned, he grabbed his small bag and headed off to the showers. He smiled at a few nurses on his way, but once he reached the showers his smile dropped. He heard someone crying over the sound of the shower running. Liam put his bag down and was about to get in his shower, deciding he better not get involved in case the person lashed out. But once he saw the familiar sweater that he knew belonged to Harry, he made his way over and opened the curtain slowly.

His eyes widened when he saw Harry on the ground, the water still running down his back as he cried into his knees. The curly boy looked up at him with bloodshot eyes, opening his mouth to say something. Liam shook his head and kneeled down next to him, rubbing his back.

Liam looked down and saw the blade laying on the ground, his eyes widened and he grabbed Harry's arms, checking them over with a worried expression. Harry looked up at him, confused as to what he was doing. The brown eyed boy simply pointed to the blade and then looked back to Harry.

Harry shook his head, biting his lip. He opened his mouth to say something again, but quickly shut it when all that came out was a small whimper. Liam extended his arm outwards, which Harry quickly crawled into, turning to bury his head into the brown eyed boys chest. Liam looked down at him sadly and held him close for a few moments, then slowly started to stand up, pulling the smaller boy with him.

Liam pushed Harry closer to the water and poured some shampoo in his hair, massaging it into the greasy curls. Making sure not to get it in the boys eye, Liam tilted his head back and rinsed his hair as gently as he could manage. He grabbed a small towel and put a dap of soap onto the middle of it and held it out to Harry but didn't remove his own hand, just so he could help and make sure the boy got clean. Once that was the case, Liam quickly washed his own hair and body before he stepped out, wrapping an arm around Harry's body that had now started to shake.

Neither boy said a word as they brushed their teeth and got dressed. In a way, neither of them had to. Harry was grateful Liam wasn't prying at the matter, and Liam was glad Harry was allowing him to help and wasn't making a big fuss over it. Once they packed their small bag with their brush, toothbrush, etc., Liam gave Harry a small smile and pulled him in for a hug, then pointed towards the cafeteria.

Harry shook his head, not returning the warm smile. "I'm gonna go back to my room, have fun, though." Liam nodded and they parted ways. Once Harry got back to his room, he let out a loud sob, covering his mouth with his hand. He made his way clumsily to the bed and plopped down on it, shoving his face in the pillow before another sob passed his lips. His body shook helplessly as he laid there for the rest of the day, only bothering to get up when Sharon would come in with a sympathetic look to give him his medicine and a sandwich for lunch, and a salad for dinner. She would pop in throughout the day also to bring him water to keep him hydrated with all the crying he was doing.

Her heart ached for the boy, so she did everything she could during her short amount of time in his room to make him feel better. She opened his blinds and even brought his journal onto the bed with him. She helped him put some warm socks on when she felt his forehead.

"You'll be alright, sweetheart. Why don't you go find Lou? He might be able to cheer you up. Reckon I saw him with the other lads by the game room  **(its not like an arcade, just board games and cards)** on my way here." Harry sniffled and thought for a minute before nodding, really wanting a hug from the small boy. "Great, Harry! Do you want me to walk with you down there?" He bit his lip and shook his head, throwing the covers off, he padded quietly over to his dresser and pulled out a lilac sweater, slipping it on over his thin, long sleeved black shirt. He ruffled his hair a bit and wrapped his arms around himself once he walked out of his room and closed the door.

..

Louis was glaring at Liam over his thin, black rimmed glasses, staring at the cards in the boys hand. Liam looked up at him and smirked before sitting his hand down, revealing his full house.

"Fucks sake!" Louis groaned, throwing down his single pair of queens. "You bloody cheated!" Niall and Liam laughed,

"Ho-ow could he cheat? Yo-you've been staring him down li-like a h-hawk since we started playing!" Niall laughed, holding onto his stomach as he did.

Louis grumbled something under his breath and pulled a pouty face, shuffling the cards again. "This right here is why I need Harry, he would've stood up for me!" He huffed, dealing them all back in. "Fine, same game again."

As they started playing, Louis had started tuning into a conversation a group behind them was having.

"Yeah! I heard whats wrong with that Styles kid, saw his file in the office. Tried to off himself because he couldn't take his mummy telling him to man up," Louis snapped his head around at the mention of the curly haired boy. Niall looked up and clenched his fists, along with Liam. "He's so ugly, mate. No wonder his boyfriend could only stand him because he was hopped up on drugs the whole time." The group laughed, high-fiving the guy who was speaking.

Louis gritted his teeth and got up, walking over to him, his fist raised. "He's using his nan dying as a way to get attention, I bet he never even saw the lady." A small gasp was heard, causing the three boys to turn around. Louis' jaw fell when he took in the sight in front of him.

"Don't say that." Harry whimpered, shaking his head as more tears fell. The guy smiled and pushed past Louis, getting in Harry's face.

"Don't say what? That you're using her death just to get attention?" Louis saw Harry shrink into his sweater, shaking his head again. A small whimper was heard along with more sniffles. "I heard your sister saying it was your fault, innit?" Harry stayed silent and looked down at the floor, tears now streaming down his cheeks. "I said, isn't it your fault?" His voice was louder this time, more demanding. Harry nodded meekly and put his head in his hands, a fresh round of sobs taking over his body

"Back the fuck off," Louis barked, stepping in front of him to push him back. "Don't you have anything better to do then terrorise people?" He snapped, turning to face Harry. He gently grabbed either side of Harry's head and pushed it up the slightest bit. "You look so tired, bubs. Wanna go back to my room? The lads can come with us and we can play some card games. Is that okay?"

Harry nodded again and kept his head hung low, grabbing onto Louis' sleeve with a death grip. Louis put one of his hands on the boys back, leading him down the hall with Liam and Niall trailing behind.

"D-did you kn-know?" Niall whispered to Liam, nodding his head towards the curly haired lad.

Liam nodded and signed to Niall that he walked in on Harry crying in the showers this morning. The blonde boy nodded and grabbed one of Liam's hands, giving it a light squeeze.

They had been learning sign language together, this way they could communicate easier. Liam had said a few more words to Niall since the first time, just small things like hi. He was worried Niall was growing annoyed with his silentness that he showed up to Niall's room one day with a couple of sign language books and a timid smile.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Louis said, his voice gentle as he led Harry to a open area in his room under the window. He grabbed the blankets and pillows off his bed and threw them down before he sat, pulling the other lad down next to him.

Harry chewed his bottom lip and shook his head, wrapping a blanket around him as he did. "Can we play go fish?" He said quietly. Louis cooed softly at the boy's cuteness and nodded, looking to the other boys.

"Alright lads, a nice, clean game of go fish." Niall smiled and started dealing the cards out that he took from the game room.

"H-how many?" He raised his eyebrow, a blush creeping up his cheeks.

"For fucks sake, Niall." Louis sighed dramatically, "You get-" he thought for a minute, "huh. I forgot. Do you remember?" He looked at Liam, who shook his head with a small laugh. "Hazza?" Harry shook his head, not bothering to smile.

"Just forget it, we can play something else." Harry mumbled sadly, wrapping his arms around himself again.

"No! We can make our own rules up. It'll be just as fun!" Louis smiled, grabbing the cards from Niall. He dealt them all ten cards and then put the others in the middle, messing them all up. Harry looked at him and gave him a forced smile, his lips pressed tightly, his eyes filled with tears and sadness. "Your turn, Haz."

..

**May** **2nd,** **2015**

_I didn't know it was possible to be this sad._

_Actually, its not even sadness at this point. It's just pure heartbreak. How am I supposed to handle this? Nan died and I'm stuck in here. I never got to say goodbye, and it's tearing me apart._

_The lads have been getting me out and about and playing card games with me, I can tell how hard they're trying to make me feel better but I just_ cant _._

_I mean, I know I can, but I don't want to. Not yet. I need time to be sad over this still. That's normal, right? To need time to be sad when someone passes._

_I was just talking to Louis the night before I found out about her death, I was telling him how lovely she was, and in my mind the whole time I kept thinking about how she's gonna love him. She was always so supportive of my sexuality and everything, she would always tell me stories of how she met my granddad and that some day I would find myself a man like that._

_I just hope she know's I miss her. And that I love her. I really hope she knew I loved her and that I would have been there to take care of her if I could've. God, I would've been there in the blink of an eye if I knew._

_Alright, I gotta go. It's almost lunch time. Oh! By the way, I wrote a song. It's called 'If I Could Fly'. I wrote it for nan, but also partly for Lou. I'm thinking of playing it for him after lunch today._

_Still don't know how to sign off,_

_Harry. xx_   
  


 


	8. its not that hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a quick hapter to show louis off more :')

**May 3rd, 2015.**

The sun was shinning through Louis' shades, causing the younger boy to stretch out his aching bones and rub the sleep from his eyes.

He got up with a yawn, reaching his hands out to the sky. He heard the satisfying  _pop_ of his joints and let out a breath, throwing his legs over the side of the bed so he could toe around for his slippers.

Once they were secure around his feet, Louis stood up and walked to his dresser, picking out a fresh pair of underwear as well as a clean t-shirt, a black Adidas jacket one of his sister sent him, and a pair of grey joggers.

He grabbed his bag of toiletries and made his way down the hall to the showers, smiling at a few nurses and patients along the way. After he entered, he set his bag down in one of the empty showers and proceeded to get in and close the curtain before stripping off his old sweater and black sweats.

After turning the water on, Louis took a moment to poke around his body. His stomach was beginning to lose its concave feeling and was starting to fill out. With a shaky breath, he whispered to himself in reassurance that this was a good thing. Everything that was happening is a good thing.

Louis was constantly reminding himself that his body needed food. It needed fuel and nutrients to keep him going and to keep his organs from failing. The thought of his heart failing before his twenty-fifth birthday made his throat go dry.

His thighs were rounder, almost touching each other. His boney wrists were gaining a little bit of fat to them as well. His doctor told him that once he reached his target weight he would be strong enough to start working out - but only to help gain muscle. He would have one of the physicians with him to help him formulate a plan that would work best for gaining muscle and sustaining a healthy weight.

The thought made him happy. He was looking forward to getting muscle and being strong. When he first arrived here it was hard for him to even walk down the hall, his body ached so bad. He had no muscle to even hold himself up. Now, he was able to race Niall down the halls and only feel a little lightheaded after.

Being able to work out and possibly even play footie again was like music to Louis' ears. He smiled at the thought as he grabbed his vanilla shampoo.

Another part of him, however, was still yelling at him. That part of his brain are remains of Stan's abuse - and  _God, they sounded just like him._

The more fat he put on the more that voice would be upset. With every bite of food he took that voice screamed. Every compliment he received was twisted within an instant by that voice.

To that voice, he was worthless. Letting himself fall victim to the hospitals ways made Louis weak. Letting the hospital change him like; when he was  _so close_ to perfection. Gaining this fat meant he was going to get pudgy again. Gaining muscle meant he would be getting even pudgier.

All the while the number on the scale went  _up, up, up._ All those years of hard,  _hard_ work were being flushed down the toilet - the exact place were Louis' food should end up immediately after he eats it.

This voice was starting to fade - as it should after nearly two years here - but there were times when it would be especially cruel towards the boy. Louis tried to hide it, he tried to be the strong one out of his friends, so everyone else had a shoulder to lean on but it was getting so hard.

He needed someone to step in and help him. That's why he was so grateful for Harry. That boy took a weight off Louis' shoulders that otherwise would have remained for the rest of time. Every time the food was becoming too much or Louis was doubting that he could even eat at all that day, Harry would step in and assure him that everything would be okay.

With Harry's help, Louis was gaining confidence in himself again. But the best part of that was he wasn't relying solely on Harry to help him - he was learning about his own body and how he should treat it. Harry was just there to help him a little along the way.

His head was filled with thoughts of Harry as he turned the water off and wrapped a towel around his body. Once he tried off and shook his hair dry, he slipped on his clothes and opened the shower curtain, stepping out first before he grabbed his bag and dirty clothes.

The walk back to his room was similar to the walk there. Once he entered his room, Louis put his bag down, disposed of his dirty laundry in his small basket in the corner, and sat down at his desk. He pulled out a small sketchbook and one of his graphite pencils and began to sketch.

The great thing about this hospital, Louis noted, was that they were so eager to help their patients. When Louis first got here, he had mentioned to one of his doctors that art was a hobby of his that helped him sort his thoughts out. The next week, that same doctor had a new sketchbook, a pack of graphite pencils, and a pack of coloured pencils waiting for the boy.

Louis had filled up three sketchbooks so far in his stay. He was nearing the end of his fourth, as well. His art wasn't something he was to focused on, it wasn't something that he was planning to make a career out of, though he had been told by multiple people that he was really good at it.

No, sir. Louis had plans to become a therapist. He always had a knack for helping people, and he never liked to see anyone sad. The role of therapist seemed to be made for Louis, because this way he was able to help people get better simply by listening to them and working out their problems with them.

After he leaves the hospital he wants to attend a school in London that specialises in psychology and that sort of thing. He hopes to have his own practice as well, being a successful therapist (or psychologist - he hasn't quiet decided yet).

Sometimes it makes Louis laugh that he wants to understand mental disorders and the human brain in order to help people suffering from these disorders and diseases, yet he can't seem to help himself as much. Every book he's read about eating disorders gives him great tips and information on how these disorders manifest themselves in vulnerable people and destroy them from the inside out - yet Louis can't apply those tips or knowledge to himself.

However, that might be the reason Louis want's to help people. Suffering from the disease or disorder first hand gives you a better insight into how to help other people. Someone who has never battled an eating disorder might now truly understand how to help a person suffering, so the information they give or coping mechanisms they offer may not be accurate.

Louis bit his lip, looking down at the messy sketch in front of him. After realising that he drew Harry's long hair across his shoulders, Louis decides to take a nap. He didn't have anything planned that day and he knew Harry still needed some time to cope with his recent loss, and he knew that Harry would come find him if he needed him.

 


	9. to feel so small

**May 4th, 2015.**

"Lou!" Harry called with a smile, skipping over to the small boy who was sitting with his legs tucked under him, glasses perched perfectly on his button nose so he could read the book in front of him.

"May th-the f-fourth be with you, young H-Harold." Niall said with a stern voice, bowing in front of him. Harry raised his eyebrow and shook his head,

"That's the best you could come up with?" He sighed. Niall laughed and shook his head, walking back over to Liam.

Niall had been making tremendous leaps in his recovery. His anxiety was being controlled a lot better with the help of Liam and a new medicine. The medicine simply calmed his nerves, it didn't give him any mood swings or raging depression like the past couple of medicines have. He was also working with one of the doctors who had hired a speech therapist for a few of the patients, and he was beginning to get over his stutter as well.

"Haz," He smiled, putting his book down. "What's got you so chipper this rainy afternoon?" Harry only grinned in response, grabbing the boys fragile wrist. "Mind telling me where we're going?" Louis chuckled, pushing his glasses up his nose with his index finger. Harry shook his head, a devilish smile on his face as he pulled Louis through the hall.

Harry stopped in front of the music room. The door was decorated with music notes and keys, making it hard to miss. The room was one of Harry's favourites. There was a very nice piano in the centre of the room, a small drum kit in the back corner, an acoustic guitar on the side and a few smaller instruments spewed across the warm coloured walls.

He guided Louis in and shut the door behind him. The room was soundproof, but there was a camera in the corner of the room so the staff could still make sure nothing was happening that would cause harm to a patient or anyone else. Harry led Louis over and pushed him down gently in a chair before he stood back and sat on the bench in front if the piano.

"Okay, I, um, I wrote this a little bit ago." Harry blushed, putting his journal that he has been carrying on top of the piano. Louis bit his lip, recognising the journal immediately as the one he had peeked into while Harry was in solitary. "I wrote some of it for my nan, and some for, um, for y-you." The blush on his cheeks grew as he turned his back to Louis and placed his fingers on the keys.

_If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you_

_I think I might give up everything, just ask me to_

_Pay attention, I hope that you listen 'cause I let my guard down_

_Right now I'm completely defenceless_

His voice was rough.

He hadn't sang in a long time and he knew his voice was raspier than usual, especially when he had spent so long crying lately.

Louis watched Harry's figure lean forward as he pressed down on the keys, his head moving to the left as he sang loudly, his voice mixing together with the music in such a way that Louis felt himself being drawn closer to the boy.

_For your eyes only, I'll show you my heart_

_For when you're lonely and forget who you are_

_I'm missing half of me when we're apart_

_Now you know me, for your eyes only_

_For your eyes only_

_I've got scars even though they can't always be seen_

_And pain gets hard, but now you're here and I don't feel a thing_

Harry looked over his shoulder with a small blush, his eyes meeting Louis' tear filled celestial ones. He let a shy smile form before he turned back around to finish singing.

_Pay attention, I hope that you listen 'cause I let my guard down_

_Right now I'm completely defenceless_

_For your eyes only, I'll show you my heart_

_For when you're lonely and forget who you are_

_I'm missing half of me when we're apart_

_Now you know me, for your eyes only_

_For your eyes only_

_I can feel your heart inside of mine, I feel it, I feel it_

_I've been going out of my mind, I feel it, I feel it_

_Know that I'm just wasting time_

_And I hope that you don't run from me_

_For your eyes only, I'll show you my heart_

_For when you're lonely and forget who you are_

_I'm missing half for me when we're apart_

_Now you know me, for your eyes only_

_For your eyes only, I'll show you my heart_

_For when you're lonely and forget who you are_

_I'm missing half for me when we're apart_

_Now you know me, for your eyes only_

_For your eyes only_

_For your eyes only_

Harry played the last few notes and slumped forward, rubbing at his eyes that had filled with tears somewhere during the song. He slowly turned around to face Louis, feeling uneasy as he waited for the boys reaction.

Louis walked over to the boy, sitting on the bench next to him. He wiped his eyes with the back of his sweater covered hand and sniffled as Harry took a breath.

"Was it... I mean, did it sound g- okay?" He murmured quietly, biting his bottom lip, turning to face the boy. Louis looked up at him and for a second Harry couldn't read his emotions, which caused the younger boy to stiffen, not ready for what was to come.

And he  _definitely_ was not ready to feel a pair of cold, soft, thin lips against his own. Nevertheless, Harry moved his lips against the older boys as gently as he could. His body shiver slightly at the sudden intense pleasure, which causes Louis to put one of his sweater clad hands on Harry's cheek, using his thumb to rub small circles into the soft skin. 

Harry sighed into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Louis' waist to pull him in closer. "So cute." The curly haired boy smiled, pressing a final kiss to Louis' lips.

Louis blushed and looked up at Harry, getting lost in his deep emerald eyes. Too cliché? Louis didn't care, all he cared about in that moment was making that boy his.

"Sing for me again." This time it was Harry's turn to blush, nodding shyly.

"Course, any song you'd like." He sat back on the bench properly, positioning his fingers over the keys, eyes bright.

"You know The Fray?"

..

"L-Liam!" Niall called, his cheeks hurting from smiling so much, "tha-t's ch-cheating!" He laughed, falling back on the couch.

Liam shook his head, smiling wide enough for his teeth to poke out, a quiet laugh leaving his lips. He pointed down at the cards and then at Niall,

"You!" Liam laughed out, shaking his head again.

Niall gasped, putting his hand over his heart in fake shock. "N-now Liam, I'm h-hurt! Th-this i-s the end," he sighed, falling off the couch dramatically. Liam went over to him, shaking his head again.

"So cute." He cooed, poking Niall's cheek.

"I-I try." Niall pretended to flip his hair over his shoulder, getting up on his knees to match Liam. "H-hi." He blushed, coming face to face with the silent boy.

Liam waved with a shy smile and leaned in slightly, lips ghosting over Niall's cheek. He wrapped his arms around the blonde boy and cuddled into his chest, relishing the smell of Niall's body wash. He took in a deep breath and played with Niall's collar.

"Li-Liam?" Niall asked quietly, running his thin fingers through the boys smooth hair, playing with the tips for a few seconds before running his fingers back through. "D-do y-you wanna t-talk about wha-t happen-ed?" he asked quietly, knowing better than to push the boy too far.

Liam bit his lip, ignoring his initial instinct to shake his head. With a shy nod, he took a deep breath and grabbed a notebook of his desk, knowing it would take too long to sign and he didn't want Niall to get annoyed.

_It was my step father._

Niall read his neat handwriting, then grabbed the pencil and positioned it over the paper,

_Why?_

_My biological father died when I was little. My mum met this guy named Joseph and it was a cliche love story, they went on dates and all that stuff. She was finally so happy, the happiest my sister and I had seen her since my father was around._

Niall watched as a small smile formed on Liam's face before it got wiped away with the next sentence.

_Then he started drinking. He was so mean Niall I tried to stop him I swear I did_

Liam let out a sob, dropping the pencil and sliding the paper towards Niall, who scanned over the writing before he wrapped his arms around the shaking boy, pulling him close.

"B-baby." Niall whispered, running his fingers through Liam's hair. "S-so brave, yo-you know? Yo-you're okay n-now." He tried his best not to stutter and annoy the young lad.

The two sat there, Niall trying his best to comfort the small boy by pressing gentle kisses to his temple. His heart was breaking for the boy and he wanted nothing more than to help him, make him better so he can live a full life - the life that he deserves.

 _Fuck_ , Niall thought, shaking his head as he pressed another kiss to Liam's temple, who was now starting to calm down and drift off.  _I think I'm failing in love with him._

..

_May 5th, 2015_

Louis woke up the next morning with a smile, observing the sun that was shining through his windows. He had hoped and prayed that today would be a good day so he could follow through with his plan.

You see, with the help of a few nurses, Louis was able to set up a picnic in the garden for Harry, where he planned to ask the curly boy an important question.

As level one patients, they are allowed into the garden at their leisure. The only problem was that Louis didn't want anyone else to interrupt them - not that he didn't love everyone that was here, he just wanted alone time with Harry.

So the nurses agreed (after talking to the boys' doctors) to leave the two alone while they were out there on their 'date', as Louis liked to call it. They also helped get a few snacks together, making Louis promise to eat some (though they knew he wouldn't).

Once Louis showered and got dressed in his usual sweater and loose fitting pants, he went out to catch Harry before he went to breakfast.

"Hazza!" Louis smiled, strolling over to him. "I have a surprise for you, but you have to close your eyes." He giggled, putting his hands over Harry's.

"Will it get us in trouble?" Harry asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

"No." Louis scoffed, rolling his eyes. He waited until Harry's eyes were closed before he walked towards the back doors, smiling as the nurses cooed when they passed. "You can open,"

He watched as Harry opened his eyes and let his jaw open slightly, looking around at the blooming flowers in awe.

"Are we allowed back here?" He said, mouth still agape.

"Whenever we'd like, didn't you know?" Harry shook his head, sitting down on the checkered bed sheet that was laid out beautifully between a tulip and daisy bush. Louis smiled and grabbed a tulip, placing it behind Harry's ear. He relished in watching the boy blush a darker shade than the flowers, reaching up to touch the plant gently. "I got us snacks, thanks to some of the nurses." He said with a nervous smile, "I was hoping you'd like this idea, it was the only good date idea I had-"

"Date? This is a date?" Harry asked, causing Louis to gulp - he couldn't read the expression on the younger lad's face.

"I-I was hoping it could be?" Louis asked hopefully, averting his gaze. "I was hoping, you could, like... If you want, maybe," Harry giggled slightly next to him, looking at him eagerly. "Be my boyfriend?"

Harry looked the slightest bit shocked at first, then bit his lip, the smile disappearing. "A-are you sure? I-"

"One hundred percent sure." Louis nodded, grabbing Harry's hand. "Ever since I first saw that cute mop of curls, I was fallin." Harry blushed, looking up at him. "And when everything happened with Zayn, you just helped me like we've been friends for years, and that's something I dont think either of us have had in a relationship."

"Yes," Harry smiled, squeezing Louis' hand. "I'd love to be your boyfriend. Especially if I get dates like this," he said with a smile, making Louis laugh.

"I brought some snacks too, in case you get hungry." He murmured, "But I was thinking you could finally teach me to make those flower crowns you've been talking about for a while."

"Really?" Harry's eyes lit up. Nick never wanted to partake in any of Harry's activities, no matter how much he'd beg. Nick would always say he's too busy, or that Harry was weird for doing those things. He would never let Harry wear what he wanted or look how he wanted - like he was  _embarrassed_  by Harry.

"Of course! I'd like one too match once you finish." Harry traced his face for any bit of sarcasm or any hint that he is joking. When all he saw was happiness and sincerity, a huge smile broke out on his face.

"Thank you, Louis." He said happily, his cheeks starting to hurt. "No one's ever wanted me to make them a flower crown." Louis frowned at this, scooting closer to him.

"I'd love one." He reassured, placing a kiss to Harry's temple. "What flowers should we use?" He smiled, standing up to begin searching with the boy.

Once they had collected a variety of flowers that Harry deemed useable, they sat criss cross and Louis watched intently as Harry showed him how to weave the stems in and out.

The whole time they worked, Harry had began to snack on the crisps Louis had gotten from the nurses. "Lou?" He asked quietly, finishing the flower crown he indented to give the boy.

"Yeah, babycakes?" He smiled, his fingers tangled in the stems of a few daisies. Harry smiled at him and picked the flowers out of his hands, helping him get back on track with making the crown. 

"If I ask you something, do you promise not to get mad and leave?" Louis raised his eyebrow and nodded, "why don't you eat?" His voice was small, and he kept chewing his bottom lip out of nervousness.

"I," Louis let out a shaky laugh, "You don't beat around the bush, yeah?" he smiled, shaking his head. "Before I came here, I was living in Doncaster with my boyfriend, Stan. We were living together for about two years, before that I was living with my mum and four sisters." He smiled at the mention of his family, picking up a leaf to play with. "I had always had a bit of a pudgey stomach, and I tried to start exercising and playing footie to get rid of it. That didn't help, it just made me bigger because I was gaining muscle and it was disgusting - Stan thought so, too. So he told me I should stop eating so much and I went from eating at macca's everyday after school to eating half a carrot every day to keep me alive."

"Why did you listen to him?" Harry asked lowly, letting everything process.

"I loved him." Louis took a breath, ripping the leaf into small pieces. "It's okay though, I'm here now and trying to get better."

"You have to get better so we can get out of here and live together with our cats." Harry said matter-of-factly. Louis laughed and leaned in, pressing a kiss to his lips.

"I think kissing you is one of the best things ever." Louis muttered, bringing him in for another kiss, causing the boy to blush a deep red.

..

**May 5th** **,** **2015** **.**

_It's me again!! :-)_

_Today Louis and I went out on a date! He asked me to be his boyfriend! I can't believe it. I've never been this happy. I can't stop smiling either! He told me he had a crush on me ever since I got here and!! Ahh!! I can't even handle this. I sound like a pre teen. I don't care. I'm so fucking happy._

_Happy times :-)_   
_Harry. xx_   
  


 


	10. or even exist at all

 

**May 6th, 2015.**

The next day, Louis walked into Dr. Edwards' office with a smile - something that rarely ever happened.

"Morning, Louis. I see you're feeling good." She smiled, motioning for him to sit down in the plush chair across from her.

"Better than I have in a while! I asked Harry to be my boyfriend. He's so wonderful, he makes me feel so good about myself and just... life in general."

"I'm so happy for you, Lou." She expressed, giving him a warm look. Her expression changed and she tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "There is something we need to discuss, however." Louis bit his lip, folding his arms in his lap. "Your weight hasn't been increasing as steadily as we had hoped, babe."

"But," Louis whimpered, "isn't this good enough? It hurts, Perrie." He shook his head. Perrie has been Louis' doctor since he first got here, suffice to say they had reached a first name basis.

"I know, Lou, but we need to get you healthy." She defended, looking through the folder on her desk. Petrie cleared her throat, "you're nearly one hundred pounds. Louis, you're a nineteen year old male, you should be at least one fifty-five."

Louis cringed at the thought, not trusting his voice at that moment.

"What's the problem, babe? You told me last time that the voices were getting better." Perrie said softly, taking her glasses off.

"They were. I mean – they are. It's just," Louis took a breath, adjusting his current position so he was sitting criss-crossed on the seat. "It's been this way for so many years now and it's hard to break those habits. I keep trying to tell myself that I need food, I need the energy and fat on my body so I can be healthy and live a good life but my mind is still stuck back in that dark place."

"Are they still saying the same things?" Louis shook his head, "what are they saying?"

"I'm getting fat. People are starting to see it and I need to fix it. They tell me I should lie to the nurses about eating but if I do I get so hungry and – I've never been hungry before, Perrie. My stomach starts to cramp and gurgle and it hurts so bad."

"That's good, babe! Your body is getting used to having food in it now. Your body is training itself to use that food again. Your body is starting to recover, it seems we just have a bit of a problem trying to convince your mind of the same thing, innit?" Perrie explained, pulling out a piece of paper. "Give this to your therapist after lunch today, okay? It's a new meal plan for you. As you know, the eating disorders are all served the same thing. This plan has been proven to help some hard cases; hopefully it can help you."

"What is it?" Louis raised an eyebrow, looking over the paper.

"The portion sizes you'll be getting will be smaller, but they will be packed full of nutrients and good calories that your body needs. You'll also be taking a multi-vitamin to help your body even more, but this one will be slightly different than the one you're on now. It's going to help your muscles strengthen so you won't be so weak and achey. You want to get better, Louis, I can see it in your eyes."

Louis smiled at her, nodding along to her words. "I really do, Perrie. I've been thinking about what my life could be like once I get better." He added.

"Still planning to study psych?" Perrie smiled, putting her elbows on her desk.

"Yeah! Still haven't decided if I'm feeling therapist or psychologist yet. Leaning more towards therapist, though." Louis narrowed his eyes, then nodded.

"I'm glad, Lou. I'm glad you have dreams outside of this place. And, mister, I'm glad you found yourself a nice man." Louis blushed, looking down. "Speaking of that man, tell curly to meet with his doctor too, yeah? Dr. Sheeran told me that he had some news for Harry."

Louis quirked an eyebrow, but nodded. "Alright. I'll see you in two weeks, Perrie." He smiled, reaching over to shake her hand.

"Oh piss off with that," She scoffed, approaching the boy to give him a hug. Louis let out a laugh and walked out of the office with his paper once she had let him go.

He walked down the hall and figured Harry would probably be in his room, since he likes to write before lunch. While on his way to Harry's room, Louis folded up the meal plan paper and slid it into his back pocket, excited to give it to his therapist after lunch. 

"H." Louis smiled, walking into the familiar room.

"Hey, Lou." Harry replied, placing his pen on the desk as he closed his notebook. "What can I do for a lovely boy like you?"

"Dr. Sheeran wants to see you from what Perrie told me." Louis explained, going over to sit on the boy's bed. "But I want a kiss first," he smiled, a small blush dusting over his cheeks.

Harry rolled his eyes playfully and walked over to the boy, pressing their lips together. After a few seconds he pulled away and kissed Louis' nose. "Thanks for the news, love. I guess I'll see you in group today?"

Louis nodded, pushing himself off the bed. "I guess I'll go see what Niam is up to." He laughed, holding Harry's hand as they walked down the hall. Harry's hand swallowed Louis' up - but it was pretty cute, to be honest.

"Oh, have fun with that." Harry scoffed, shaking his head. "Tried to ask Niall about something earlier but he was too busy gushing about how Liam told him good morning."

"Oh, shut it. You do the same thing." Louis laughed at him, his eyes sparkling.

"Do not! Besides, even if I did - which I don't - I have a reason to. You're a wonderful person." He explained with a short nod, stopping in front of a door labelled  _Dr. Edward Sheeran._

 _"_ Harry, come in, lad." Ed smiled, pointing to the cushioned chair. "How've you been, H?"

"Pretty good! I've been getting better with the urges and my depression recently. My writing is really helping, I even started to make music again." Harry said excitedly.

"That's good. I also have good news for you," Ed smirked and pulled out a series of papers. "After evaluating you over the past month and talking to your therapist, we've come to the collective decision to take you off your Prozac."

Harry's eyes widened, "Really?" He asked in disbelief. "I've. even in that pill since I was sixteen."

"You've been improving so well lately and you've channeled your feelings into creative things, like your writing, and we want to see how you'll react without the pill. If things go well, you might be able to leave by next Christmas."

Harry was smiling so wide his cheeks were beginning to hurt, but he couldn't help himself. "Is that all? I mean – I need to go tell Louis! He's gonna be so proud of me!"

"Louis, eh?" Ed smirked, leaning back in his chair.

"Yea- I mean, yeah. He asked me out." Harry blushed, playing with his nails.

"I see." He teased, pilling up some papers into a folder. "Well, you're free to go. We'll meet tomorrow for your routine meet up - I was just excited to tell you the good news. Go find your boyfriend, I'm gonna go hand this over to the medical team." Ed explained, opening the door for the curly haired boy.

Down the hall, Louis leaned against the wall, wiping the spit from his mouth.

He took a deep breath to steady his breathing before he tried to stand up, taking nearly five full minutes to do so without passing out. He leaned slightly to flush the toilet and then exited the stall, splashing cold water on his face from the sink. He placed both hands on either side of the sink as took a breath.

After Louis dried his face and fixed his clothes, he walked out of the bathroom and made his way towards his room, feeling weak and exhausted. As he entered, he saw Harry running down the hall towards him. He let out a cough and smiled weakly at the boy.

"I'm sorry, H. I'm not feeling to well." Louis said, not noticing how Harry's face fell. "Just gonna go sleep."

Before Harry could say anything else, a door was closed in his face.   
  


 


	11. how come no one heard him

**May 10th, 2015.**

_The past couple of days have been so weird. After Louis and I started dating its like he doesn't want to be around me anymore. I'll try to meet up with him after therapy and he'll just tell me he's tired and then go to his room. When I try to cuddle him he always pushes himself away and says he's getting a cold and doesn't want to get me sick._

_Did I do something wrong? I know I don't have much experience with normal relationships, since Nick only wanted me for sex and to get more drugs, but then again Louis' past relationship wasn't the best either._

_It's making me so upset. He's my boyfriend and I wanna be able to treat him as well as I can and give him everything he deserves. He deserves so much more than this - he's wonderful in every sense of the word and I want to make him feel as good as he makes me feel._

_I hope one day when we get out of here him and I will go on cutesy dates. Coffee dates, movie dates, park dates, the whole lot. I hope I can cuddle him all night without having to get up early and sneak back into my room before one of the nurses catch me. I hope I can hold him without feeling everyone bone in his body poke me. I hope one day we're both in a better state of mind and can continue our relationship._

_He makes me so happy._   
_Harry. xx_

..

Harry closed the journal with a sigh and leaned back in his chair, thinking about everything he had just written. A small smile grew on his face when he thought about the possibility of maybe living with Louis one day. All the almost empty tea cups laying around, the sweaters and shows sprawled around the living room, the sheets always being messy because they both know Louis will mess them up that night anyway.

He spent so much time fonding over the boy he didn't even notice a knock at the door and a quiet "Harry" that went along.

"Speak of the devil," Harry muttered with a small smile, fixing his hair quickly as he walked over. "Hey, Lou."

"Hi." Louis said quietly, shrinking into his sweater. "Can we talk?" Harry's face fell and he felt dizzy, is this happening already? It's only been five days! Surely Louis hadn't gotten sick of him already!

"Of course." He tried to remain confident. The colour in his face was draining with each step he took towards the neatly made bed. He watched a slight dip form when Louis sat down. "What's troubling you?"

"I'm sorry." He admitted, lifting his head to look up at Harry's emerald eyes. "I've been a pretty shitty boyfriend lately. But I guess, I mean, healthy relationships involve talking, right? I just, I need to talk about this to you, and maybe you can help me." He took a deep breath and played with his sweater, pulling at the loose ends.

"Of course, Lou." Harry repeated, turning his body to face Louis. He took in all his features - the way Louis' eyes were droopy and slightly glazed like he hadn't been sleeping. The way his under eyes were tinted purple and a little wet with what seemed like tears. His hair was disheveled and poking out every where, but still somehow styled in a side sweep. His collarbones were visible above the sweater, poking out from his skin more than they should. He sat criss-crossed on the bed and his knuckled were a slight shade of red with white surrounding them.

"I'm not.. I'm not doing so good." Louis breathed out, "the voices are getting louder and I've been in a really bad state of mine lately." He nodded, as if he was encouraging himself to go on. "The last relationship I was in wasn't easy and I'm still stuck in that mindset. It's not like I jumped into this relationship to get over it, I want to be with you because you make me," he searched for the word for a few moments, picking at his nails. "You make me feel - more than just pain like Stan did. When I'm around you I get really happy and butterflies in my stomach. I'm just, it's hard to explain. I'm scared we won't work out and I'll be right back where I was."

Harry leaned forward and snatched one of Louis' cold hands, giving it a tight squeeze. "We're gonna be okay." He nodded, "and even if we don't work out, I'm still gonna have feelings for you and do my best to keep you happy. You deserve the world, Louis. Do you understand that? You deserve so much more than this filthy world has given you." Harry leaned in once more, running his fingers through Louis' hair. "It's okay that you're scared, but I will never hurt you. Never. Okay? I need you to understand that. I would and will never hurt you, physically or emotionally. You're worth so much more than to be hurt."

Louis sniffled, tears falling from his eyes. "Really?" He whispered, biting his lip.

"Really." Harry responded, resting his hand on Louis' cheek. The older boy had a quizzical look on his face like he was having an internal battle with himself and Harry knew that was probably the case.

He was right, because in his mind, Louis was going over everything, trying to get the voices to stop.

_He's lying._

_No one could ever love you._

_You're too fat, he's going to leave you like Stan._

_You're going to be alone again, Louis._

_You'll always be alone. Lonely Lou._

_Lonely Lou, why don't you kill yourself?_

_Harry hates you._

_You're too fat for him, Louis._

The last one caused Louis to let out a loud sob, throwing himself at Harry.

"Please. Make it stop." He gasped, pulling his hair. Harry froze for a second before wrapping his arms around Louis, pulling the boy into his lap. "They're so mean, Harry." He was shaking at this point, it was evident in his voice. Through the tears Louis gasped for air, pleading for Harry to help.

"I-I can't, I can't help. How do I help?" Harry sputtered, feeling useless. He patted Louis' back and held him close, smoothing his hair down.

"Don't leave me." Louis whispered, pulling away to look at Harry. "Please." Harry nodded, stroking his cheek again.

"I won't. I swear." Harry leaned in and connected their lips, ignoring the subtle saltiness of the tears still falling. "Never." He added, pressing their lips together again.

"I'm sorry." Louis said again once they pulled away, wiping at his eyes. "This has been happening all week, that's why I haven't been as clingy." Harry nodded, understanding what Louis means.

"Don't cry, Lovely Lou. Why don't we go out to the garden again? We can make some more flower crowns." Harry smiled, extending his hand towards the boy. Louis nodded weakly and placed his thin hand in Harry's. The two got up and walked out of the room towards the double doors that led to the garden.

On the way there they passed Liam who was walking towards Niall's room.

"Hey, Liam! Fancy seeing you out and about." Harry said, giving the boy a smile. "Alright, mate?"

Liam smiled in response, nodding along. He pointed towards Niall's room and shows the two a flower he had picked for Niall.

"So fucking cute." Louis said, tugging Harry's arm. "Good luck, we'll be in the garden if you need us!" He called, continuing down the hall with Harry.

Liam took a breath and walked to the familiar door, knocking with a shaky fist. He was scared shitless and had no idea what made him think this would be a good idea. Maybe he can just turn around and leave before Niall opens the door! That could - oh no, there's footsteps coming, this isn't good -

"Li-Liam!" Niall exclaimed happily, pulling the boy in close. "Wh-why're y-you h-h-here?" Liam bit his chapped lip and  pulled the flower up, extending it to Niall. He signed a shaky  _can we talk?_ and walked over to the bed, sitting down cautiously.

 _We've been dating for a month but I already love you. Don't leave me._ Liam thought to himself, but then smiled up at the blonde boy.

 _"_ Hair's fading." He smiled, then reached a hand up to card his fingers through it.

"Don't tal-talk a-about it." Niall rolled his eyes with a groan, but leaned into Liam's touch still.  _"_ Th-thank you f-for the fl-flower."

Liam smiled in return. He got an idea and bit his lip again, mentally noting that there was probably a hole in it by now. "Y-you are..." Niall's eyes widened and he nodded quickly, grabbing Liam's hand, urging him to go on. "Beauti-ful." he finished with a blush, squeezing Niall's hand. He had never said a full sentence before to Niall.

"Y-yo-your v-voice is p-perfe-ct." Niall breathed, leaning in to press a kiss to Liam's cheek. Liam blushed and wrapped his arms around Niall, nuzzling against his face against the warm material of his sweater. "I l-lov-e you." His eyes widened, quickly adding, "'re v-voice!" He spat out, a blush appearing on his cheeks.

The boy hummed in response and closed his eyes, tapping against Niall's shoulder to a random beat.

 _I love you, too._ Came to his mind, but he wouldn't say it. He couldn't. It's only been a month, and they're both in a hospital for mental illnesses. They can't fall in love, can they? Is it even possible for two people who can barely talk to fall in love for each other?

..

**May 12th, 2015.**

Louis leaned back against the cold, hard tiled wall with a gasp. He wiped at the tears falling from his eyes and put his other hand over his heart, trying to steady its beating.

"Fuck," he mumbled, wincing as his throat contracted against the raw muscles. The room was spinning and Louis couldn't seem to catch his breath long enough to get up. He crawled closer to the toilet and flushed the contents of his stomach away, then he used the wall and door as support to pull himself up. Louis leaned his head against the wall once again to steady himself.

"Louis? It's time for your group therapy, love." One of the nurses was on the other side of the door. Louis couldn't bring himself to call back a response, he pushed himself off the wall and tried to make his way to the sink, his eyes dropping and his breath coming out in jagged spurts with each step he took. He opened his mouth to speak, but only managed to get a strangled sound out before he collapsed to the floor, his heart beating so quickly it felt as if it wasn't beating at all. "Louis?" She called out again, jiggling the door handle.

Louis heard her call out for backup faintly before he closed his eyes, feeling nothing but static going through his body. He didn't hear the door being broken open or the men yelling at one another to get him on a stretcher and into the emergency room. He didn't see the crowd that had started to form around the bathroom.

He didn't see the look on Harry's face when he saw Louis being carried out on a stretcher.

Louis was taken to the emergency room where the examined him and hooked him up to different drips that where supposedly putting nutrients and water into his body. The doctor said that the strain Louis had put on his body from the amount of purging he had been doing took its toll on him that night and caused him to collapse.

No serious damage was done, thankfully, but he's under close watch and has a feeding tube in place until they can get his body back up to a suitable position for him to be released from the ICU.

..

**May 14th, 2015.**

_Louis has been in away for two days now. My nurse told me she doesn't know when he'll get out, it may be another week or so. They're trying to get his weight up as much as they can before they send him back._

_It's breaking my heart. The thought of him laying unconscious on the bathroom floor, all weak and frail, almost like a porcelain doll that can break at any moment. He doesn't deserve that - all the demons he's fighting off. Whoever made him feel this low about himself isn't worthy of being called a human being anymore._

_Louis needs love. He needs care. He needs to be told every second of every day that he's worth it; that he's beautiful. There are so many things I could tell that boy but not enough time in the world to say it all. I would go in depth about every little detail about him, every one of his angelic features, every last one of his charming characteristics._

_I would probably start with his personality. God, he can light up a room. He has such a pleasant vibe that radiates off him, it's impossible to be next to him and not feel happy. Then I'd go on about his mind. He's so intelligent, but not in a normal way. He can't do math to save his life, but he's knowledgable in so many other things, philosophical things._

_He's such a great person to sit down with and admire what he's like._

_Okay I've taken up two pages just ranting about Louis. We have a new kid that got admitted today, Sharon wants me to show him around._

_All the love,_   
_H. xx_

..

Harry closed his book and placed the black Pilot pen neatly on top of the cover. He got up and fixed his ruffled clothes, then walked out of his room and down the hall to where Sharon told him to wait for her.

"There he is! Nick, this is Harry. He'd going to be showing you around today. If you have any questions, his room will be right next to yours. I hope you enjoy your stay here!" Sharon smiled sweetly, patting Harry's back. "I'll see you two for dinner in two hours."

Nick smiled at her, then turned to face Harry as a smirk crept onto his cheeks.

"Hey there, sweetcheeks." Nick said smoothly, wrapping an arm around Harry's shoulders. "Long time no see, you gonna show me around?"

Harry was frozen in his spot, his breathing getting shallow. He shook his head, fear taking over him.

"If you don't show me around you'll get in trouble, baby boy." Harry took a breath and removed himself from Nick, walking down the hall.

"That's your room. There's a desk, a bed, a dressed, and a window. You can request a different coloured set of sheets if you want." Harry's mind was numb, he was reciting the same speech he had given the past few new patients mindlessly. "Down here to the left is the library, it's open from six a.m until nine p.m. everyday. To the right of the library is the music room, the walls are soundproof but there is a camera in there so the nurses can still monitor everything. Right next to that is the game room, it's filled with board games, a TV, and a few old gaming consoles."

Nick followed along with a smug look, reaching forward to grab Harry's ass.

Harry gasped and slapped his hand away, gulping as he did so. "All the way down the wall are the double doors that lead out into the garden, you're allowed out there by yourself but you have to check-in with one of the nurses and there is a nurse that walks around out there to monitor as well. On the opposite end of the hallway is the cafeteria. Breakfast is at seven every morning, lunch is between twelve and two every afternoon, and dinner is served at six every night. It's also open throughout the day if you want a snack, but again, you have to check-in with one of the nurses in there before you can take any food. Drinks are provided anytime of day near the front of the cafeteria. Therapy is located just to the left of that, there are three different rooms for different group therapies and there are our individual therapists/doctors along this wall."

Harry took a breath when he finished and turned away from Nick. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to therapy. Your nurse should have given you a paper with your group and times."

Nick licked his lips and looked at Harry again, the corner of his lips twisting into a smile. "You're so hot." He blurted, "God, I can imagine that long hair falling in your face while you're bouncing up and down on my-"

"I have to go." Harry shook his head quickly, pushing past Nick to get into the room that held his group therapy session.

The events hadn't set into his brain to be processed until he was in his room, a pen in one hand and his journal in the other.

..

**May 14th, 2015.**

_The funniest thing happened today! I must have fallen asleep and had the weirdest dream, because I saw Nick today._

_So funny, right? There's no way that's actually him! God, sounded just like him also._

_I dream the weirdest things sometimes._

_Anyway, gotta head to dinner soon. Maybe I'll run into Nick, haha!_

_Funny times,_   
_H. xx_   
  


 


	12. when he said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter shows a few instances of louis' past abuse, so if that triggers you, just skip past all of the flashbacks (they're in italics)

**May 15th, 2015.**

_Bad news. It wasn't a dream._

_Nick is really here and I'm so scared. I can't tell anyone that he's here - he might hurt me._

_Between everything that's going on with Louis and now this, I'm a fucking wreck. I feel like I'm drowning again and it hurts so much._

_I don't know what to do._

_Fuck._   
_H. x_

..

**May 17th, 2015.**

"Harry." Nick whispered, knocking on the door. Harry groaned and got up, opening it tiredly.

"What, Nick? It's past bedtime, you're going to get us both in trouble." He said quietly, a yawn following suit.

"One more for old times sake?" Nick smiled, pulling out a bag of a familiar white, powdery substance. "We can even, you know, fool around too."

"Where the hell did you get that from? You can't have that!" Harry whisper-yelled, pushing Nick out. "I have a boyfriend, Nick. I'm not your little toy anymore that you can only use when you're horny and want to get high or whatever. You don't own me."

"And where are you going?" Nick grumbled, reaching out for Harry's arm. "C'mon, H. Remember all the fun times we had? When we visited London with the boys? That time we traveled at France and got drunk on the Eiffel Tower?" He pleaded, his eyes shinning with an emotion Harry couldn't exactly make out.

"Are you even real? You treated me like shit for countless years and now you end up in the same place as me because of what you did to me and you want to go back to how everything was? I have a boyfriend. He loves me, he doesn't pressure me into things and he doesn't make me feel like a child." Harry shook his head. "We had some good moments, but you never actually cared about me. You never asked how my day was, you never took care of me when I was sick, nothing."

"Harry, you can't do this to me." Nick sighed, running a hand over his face. "Just one last time."

"Nick, no." Harry said firmly, exiting the room. He walked quickly down the dark hall until he got to the nurses office where they stayed until it was time to check-in on the patients. He knocked urgently and kept looking behind his shoulder to make sure Nick wasn't following him.

"Styles? You should be in your bed. Is something wrong?" One of the night nurses said with furrowed brows.

"Yes, it's a long story. Is Sharon here?" Harry bit his lip, his hands shaking slightly.

"Yes, dear. She just got in a few minutes ago. You can go see her," she pointed through to the room to a familiar face Harry knew. He let out a sigh of relief and went over to her quickly, tapping her shoulder.

"The new kid, Nick, I can't be around him." Harry shook his head. 

"Why?" Sharon yawned, starting the small Keurig on the counter. 

"He's the Nick I told you about, he's my Nick. I mean, he's not  _my_ Nick, but he's the guy that got me in this position in the first place. Please, I'm trying to get better this time, I really am. I can't," Tears where flooding his eyes, spilling down onto his pale cheeks.

Sharon put her cup down and went over to the boy, putting her arm around his shoulder. "Don't worry, Harry. I'll talk to your doctor as soon as he gets in. We'll get Nick transferred to another facility, seeing as how you've been here longer." She assured, rubbing his back. "It's gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay."

"You don't- you don't understand, he has drugs. He tried to get me to use them and... other things. It already happened once here, please don't let him touch me." Harry was full on crying at this point, hiding his face in his sleeve, trying to push the memories away. Sharon raised her eyebrow,

"This is serious, Harry. Accusing him of having drugs in this hospital could lead to his arrest." She said quietly, giving him a look.

"I wouldn't lie about that! He has cocaine and came into my room asking if I wanted to do it with him again!" He cried, his eyes red.

Sharon waited a moment before nodding. She walked over to one of the security guards standing by the door. She told him the situation. Harry watched on as the security guard nodded and called on his walkie-talkie for back-up.

"They'll clear this whole thing up, okay? Do you feel safe enough to go back to your room and get some more sleep?" Sharon asked softly,

"Yeah, I just... will you come with me to make sure he isn't there?" She nodded with a small smile, waiting until she got the all clear from the security guard. Once he came back in and told her it was clear, she gave Harry a nod and proceeded towards the door.

"You're safe, Harry. I'll make sure you're always safe in here. I'm so proud of you, by the way." Harry raised his eyebrow and tilted his head, silently asking why. "You could have easily said yes and taken a line of that cocaine and been right back at square one. But you stopped and came to find me. You really want to get better. I don't get many patients that actually try to do better." Sharon smiled at him, ruffling his curls.

"Thank you, Share. It means a lot that someone is proud of me." Harry returned the smile. "I want to be better, mostly for Louis, but also just for... me, I guess. I don't think I deserve to be in that kind of situation."

Sharon pulled him for a quick hug, her eyes starting to tear up. "I'm sorry, I'm such a sap." She laughed, wiping her eyes. "We'll work together and hopefully we can get you out of here soon. It's gonna take a lot of work, but I know you can do this."

Harry nodded, his smile growing so wide that his dimples dug deep into his face. He murmured another 'thank you' to her before opening the door to his room. He closed the door quietly and went over to his bed, letting out an exasperated sigh.

..

**May 20th, 2015.**

Louis laid in the hospital bed, his eyes fixated on the ceiling tile.

The sound of liquid being dripped into his IV was slowly making him go crazy, along with the sound of the heart monitor constantly beeping. His throat muscles contracted and he made a face of discomfort, lifting his hand to rub the sore area gently.

He'd lost count of how long he'd been in here. It felt like eternity- though it had only been a handful of days.

As he laid there, his mind had began to wander. He started to think about his life and what lead up to him being here - all the abuse he had endured just to have to deal with all again, only this time the abuse was coming from his brain instead of another human.

..

_August 18th, 2011._

_"Oi, Tomlinson, you're slacking again!" Coach Cowell yelled, shaking his head. "What's been wrong with you lately, son? You're my star player and you can't even keep up with the rest of the team."_

_"I'm sorry, coach. I'm trying. I'll start training harder, I'll start running in the mornings to help." He nodded, not wanting to disappoint his coach. Coach Cowell just shook his head and ended practice, telling everyone to grab their things and head home for the night._

_"Tough practice?" Stan gave Louis a sympathetic look, putting his arm around the boys shoulder._

_"Coach grilled me for not being as fast as everyone anymore. I don't know whats wrong with me, I haven't changed anything lately." Louis looked down, feeling disappointed in himself._

_"It's probably because of how much you've been eating. I mean, look at you! You've been getting so pudgy lately, it's no wonder you can't keep up with the team anymore. You should try skipping some meals or summat." Stan looked at him with a slightly disgusted face, stopping in front of his house. "Just something to think about. I'll see you tomorrow." He tilted Louis' head up, giving him a kiss. He ignored the tears that where streaming down Louis' face and simply turned on his heel and walked the rest of the way to his own house._

_Louis stood there with teary eyes, one hand on his stomach. It growled hungrily, and Louis chewed on his bottom lip. He went inside and grabbed a bottle of water, his eyes lingering on the left overs from his mother's delicious cooking the night before._

_He started to walk upstairs, holding the water bottle tight in his dainty hands. Stan's words where circling through his head like a hurricane, destroying every other thought he could have had._

You've been getting so pudgy lately.

Try skipping some meals

_"He's right." Louis mumbled, lifting his shirt in front of the full length mirror on the back of his bedroom door._

..

_November 7th, 2013._

_"Louis?" Stan grumbled, slamming the front door. He threw his keys on the floor and dropped his briefcase against the door. "God dammit, Louis! I said I wanted stuffed chicken, not grilled chicken. Can you do anything right?" He yelled, slapping the fork out if Louis' hand. "I know you aren't eating it, but do you not care enough about me to make it correctly?"_

_"I-I," Louis started to shake, his body going rigid as he looked up at Stan. His eyes were dark and scary, nothing at all like the light, bright green colour they where when they first met. Stan raised his hand and slapped Louis across the face, the sound echoing through the room._

_Louis let out a sob and clutched his cheek, backing himself further into the wall. "You're useless!" Stan screamed, going over the table where the food was laid out. He grabbed the plate and threw it towards Louis, knocking the rest of the food onto the floor. "Clean this shit up," he said lowly, fixing his tie, "I'll be back later, maybe."_

_Louis nodded, tremors racking his body._

_"I can't hear your fucking head nod, Louis!"_

_Louis flinched at the sound, "Y-yes sir." He stuttered, screwing his eyes shut. Once he heard the door slam shut again, he let out another sob he was holding in. With blurred vision, he went over to the table and cleaned the food up, then picked up the scraps of the shattered plates. He cleaned the kitchen and set everything up perfectly, then he went to take a shower._

_The water had to be ice cold, because Stan liked to take hot showers and if Louis used the hot water he would get yelled at._

_Once he laid down in bed, he let more tears fall freely. How did he end up like this? Stan was so nice when they first started dating. Sure he would call Louis fat sometimes, but he never laid a hand on the boy. All Louis wanted was to make Stan happy, but nothing was ever enough._

..

_February 21st, 2014._

_"Did you fuckin see the Rovers last night? Right disappointment, they were." Louis gasped, putting a hand over his chest._

_"They've won every match this season!" He defended._

_"Barely! They almost lost last night over that stupid goalie." Aiden shook his head, putting his hand on Louis' shoulder. "I'd change my accent if I was you, mate." Louis narrowed his eyes and glared at him, opening his mouth the drag that boy across the pavement._

_"Louis? Oh, there you are! Are you ready for movie night?" Stan said sweetly, walking over to him. "Oh, didn't even see you there. I'm Stan, Louis' boyfriend, and if you'd excuse us, we have a bit of a tradition every Thursday night to watch movies and pig out." He smiled, putting his hand out for Aiden to shake._

_"No worries, mate! Just talkin to Louis here about the Donny game last night. Right disappointment." Aiden shook his head, but returned the smile and shook Stan's hand. "I'll catch you guys later. Cheers!"_

_Stan pulled Louis over to the elevator and turned to look at him with stone cold eyes. He waited until they were in the privacy of their own apartment until he threw Louis up against the wall._

_"You fucking whore." He seethed, his face going red. "I leave for three fucking minutes and you're already flirting with that dumb shit." Stan threw a punch at Louis' face, hitting him in the nose._

_Before Louis could let out any kind of sound, Stan had him pressed back up against the wall. "I put this roof over your head. I go out and work every day so we can live comfortably and you repay me by whoring around while I'm gone? I don't fucking think so." Punches where thrown again, sometimes a kick to the stomach or slap to the face._

_After what felt like a lifetime, Stan finally got off. He complained about his hand getting tired and starting to hurt. With one last swift quick to the gut, he left Louis to curl into a ball on the floor. "If I get back here and this place isn't spotless, I won't stop next time."_

_Louis let out a strangled cry, his hands slick with his blood. His whole body hurt and he couldn't move. He took jagged breaths as he tried to crawl towards the bathroom, hoping that he could pull himself up with the help of the counter. His frail body couldn't handle stubbing his toe, let alone getting bet close to death - he knew something was broken._

..

_July 14th, 2014._

_"I can't stand you anymore, Louis. You're so fucking useless, you can't even suck me off like you used to." Stan spat, throwing Louis against the wall. "Get out."_

_Louis' eyes widened, he shook his head frantically, "Stan, no, please! I love you," he pleaded._

_"Get the fuck out. Now." Stan shook his head, walking towards the kitchen to make a drink. Louis stood there for a second in disbelief. It wasnt until Stan threw a glass towards him that he finally got the message and ran out of the house as fast as he could. He rushed down the stairs, regretting it instantly as he felt lightheaded at the end._

_He vividly saw a couple walking towards him, but everything after that blurred out as he hit the ground, his eyes rolling back into his head._

_Louis missed the girl screaming and rushing towards him. He missed the ambulance picking him up and taking him to the hospital down the street. He missed them transferring him out of the city to a hospital that he would spend the next few years of his life at._   
  


 


	13. "maybe im better off dead"

**June 6th, 2015.**

Louis walked down the hall, a wide smile plastered on his face. He was wearing one of Harry's sweaters that he requested the nurse bring him. It was only slightly oversized on him, it had a design across the middle and solid white at the bottom.

     

His doctor had said he'd made such improvement the past week and a half that if he kept it up at that pace, he could possibly see himself leaving the hospital all together soon - a month or two at most. He was so excited to tell Harry, he knew the green eyed boy would be proud of him.

Turning the corner to the library, Louis was surprised with Niall, Liam, and a few other people huddled around an adorably home made 'Welcome Back, Louis' sign that was displayed across the window. Louis' face lit up once again, his eyes brimming with tears. Everyone in the room yelled collectively,

"We missed you!"

"I-I miss-ed you." Niall said with a smile once everyone had started to clear out. Louis wrapped his arms around him for a tight hug, doing the same to Liam.

"I missed you guys, too." Louis smiled, then looked around. "Where's-"

"Garden. He wants you to meet him there." Sharon replied, nodding her head towards the doors. Louis gave her a warm smile and nodded, saying his goodbye's to everyone before he went outside to find his curly haired boyfriend.

"Hazza?" Louis called out, walking towards the little spot where they had their first date. He was met with Harry clad in a black sweater and matching skinny jeans.

     

"Hi, beauty." Harry smiled, holding his arm out for Louis. "You look stunning."

"Hush," Louis blushed, shaking his head. "Mm, you're in quite the mood." He said with a smile, wrapping his arms around Harry's shoulders. Their foreheads where flushed against each others, a smile delicately placed on their lips.

"My lovely boyfriend is back and looking better than ever, there's nothing that could put me in a better mood." Harry replied, pressing their lips together.

Louis hummed into the kiss, "Missed you. I'm guessing that whole celebration in the library was your doing."

"Naturally." He smiled, starting to sway with Louis in his arms. "Wrote you another song, wanna play it for you." Harry placed another kiss to Louis' lips before pulling away. He picked up his guitar from the ground and sat down with his back pressed to the building. He patted his lap for Louis to sit on it, and once he did, Harry put the guitar over both of them and began to strum it,

_Make a little conversation._   
_So long I've been waiting,_   
_To let go of myself and feel alive._

_So many nights I thought it over._   
_Told myself I kind of liked her,_   
_But there was something missing in her eyes._

_I was stumbling, looking in the dark,_   
_With an empty heart._   
_But you say you feel the same,_   
_Could we ever be enough?_   
_Baby we could be enough._

_And it's alright,_   
_Calling out for somebody to hold tonight._   
_When you're lost, I'll find the way,_   
_I'll be your light,_   
_You'll never feel like you're alone._

_I'll make this feel like home._   
_So hot that I couldn't take it,_   
_Want to wake up and see your face._   
_And remember how good it was being here last night._

_Still high with a little feeling,_   
_I see the smile as it starts to creep in,_   
_It was there, I saw it in your eyes._

_I was stumbling, looking in the dark,_   
_With an empty heart,_   
_But you say you feel the same._   
_Could we ever be enough?_   
_Baby we could be enough._

_And it's alright,_   
_Calling out for somebody to hold tonight,_   
_When you're lost, I'll find the way._   
_I'll be your light._   
_You'll never feel like you're alone,_   
_I'll make this feel like home._   
_I'll make this feel like home._

_Baby we could be enough._

_It's alright,_   
_Calling out for somebody to hold tonight,_   
_When you're lost, I'll find the way,_   
_I'll be your light._   
_You'll never feel like you're alone,_   
_I'll make this feel like home._

_"_ God, I could listen to your voice forever. It's so comforting and relaxing." Louis cooed, putting his hands over Harry's larger ones.

"Well, thank you, Lovely Lou." Harry smiled, placing some kisses on Louis' head. "When we live together, I'll make sure to sing to you as often as possible."

"That would be wonderful." He tried to contain his excitement, but failed miserably. "What'll it be like when we live together?" He asked, tracing patterns onto Harry's hand.

"Lovely, just like you. We're gonna have our flat nice and decorated with pictures and some band posters. Some nice, warm lights; not those fluorescent ones that are painfully white, I'm talkin' a warm yellow. We'll have the comfiest couch ever and it would be brown and against the wall in our living room. Then the kitchen would always be full of half empty tea cups, thanks to you. It would always smell like vanilla, just because. Our bedroom would be a decent size, more than enough room for the two of us. We'd have a big king sized bed in the middle with those amazingly fluffy white sheets and the fluffiest pillows ever. We'd also have countless blankets and sweaters strewn across the bed because someone gets cold easily. It would never be quiet, ever. You'll either be talking and screaming at the TV over how stupid the Kardashians are, or I'll be holding you and singing whatever song you'd like." Harry finished with a smile, the thought of living together was filling both boys with such a great sense of joy they thought they might burst at the seams.

"I can't wait to live with you. I'm so drawn to you." Louis admitted, pressing his back further into Harry's chest. "I feel like if you're not around me I'm not safe. You really do feel like home." He whispered the last part, holding Harry's hand tightly.

"I feel the same way. Ever since I first laid eyes on you, I felt like I needed to be next to you. You make me feel good. You make me feel like that missing piece of me thats  been missing forever has finally been found," Harry replied, running his free hand through Louis' hair. "We're such a cliché."

Louis laughed, tilting his neck so that he could look at Harry and steal another kiss. "I'm fine with that," Louis smiled.

"I might be able to leave soon. Within a couple of months, hopefully." Louis said, tracing a pattern onto Harry's hand. He turned his body so he was now straddling Harry, his hands going up to his curls. "Have you heard any news on your release?"

"They've been keeping it pretty hush hush, they won't tell me an exact date. They just tell me soon. Hopefully thats true. I feel like I'm in a better place now, mentally. I don't feel like I need to hang myself every day now." Harry rolled his eyes a little, "Maybe you're a part of that."

"I hope so, you deserve to be happy. The only thing that could be around your neck is that cute little paper airplane necklace you talked about." Louis said sternly, placing kisses around Harry's neck.

"I missed you." Harry chuckled, putting his hands on Louis' sides, rubbing them gently.

The two leaned in for another kiss, but were cut off when they heard Niall calling them for dinner.

"Race ya." Louis smirked, stumbling to get off Harry and start running.

"You little shit!" Harry yelled, struggling to gain balance to chase after him.

After they ate and Louis caught up with Liam and Niall, he decided to take Harry to his room to talk with him again.

"So, what've you been up to while I was gone?" He asked with a smile, grabbing Harry's hand once they laid down on his bed.

"Oh, um, nothing." Harry said quietly, shaking his head.

Louis noticed the sudden mood change and used his pointer finger to lift Harry's chin so their eyes met. "H? What happened?" Worry was evident in his voice.

"I just... my doctor said I don't have to take Prozac anymore." He said, faking a smile at the boy.

"Haz, that's amazing! But why do you sound so sad about it?"

"Trying to learn how to be happy without medicine is a lot harder than I thought." And to be honest, that wasn't a total lie. He was having a difficult time without his medicine, but he decided it would be best if Louis didn't know about the Nick situation. Hell, Louis still didn't know about the Luke situation.

Thankfully, Luke was caught sexually abusing another patient a few months ago so he got taken to another facility and is under  _very_ close watch.

"But you're trying, yeah? That's all that matters. You're stronger than you think, darling." Louis added with a smile, leaning in to kiss Harry's cheek. "I missed you so much, fuck." He whined, pulling Harry closer.

"Missed you, too." Harry replied, growing uncomfortable. Everything that happened with Nick was flooding his head and he couldn't think straight. Having someone else touch him while his mind was like this was like torture. "I have to go." He said quickly, clearing his throat, "I'll see you at dinner."

Before Louis could process what happened, Harry was out of the room. Harry was acting fine earlier, he was being lovey and touchy and wanted to kiss him. What happened to him?

Louis shrugged, pulling out his sketchbook. Maybe they were just mood swings associated with not being on Prozac anymore. But usually you get side effects when you get put  _on_ a drug, not off of it.

It was still a possibility, though. Probably the best explanation of what was happening. Louis made a mental note to find the boy again to see how he was doing, but figure that leaving him alone would be the best thing right now.

..

"Have you boys seen Harry?" Sharon asked, walking up to the group.

Niall raised his eyebrow and shook his head, looking over at Louis and Liam.

"Not recently. We were in my room earlier and he just got really nervous all of a sudden and said he'd see me later." Louis explained, taking his glasses off.

"Did anyone mention Nick?" She asked, looking at Louis.

"Nick? You mean the Nick that ruined his life?" Louis scoffed, "no, we didn't mention it. Why?"

Sharon bit her lip and looked around for the curly boy, then leaned in towards Louis. "He was here. He got admitted for a drug addiction. No one made the connection that he was the guy who Harry had told us about. While you were gone he tried to get Harry back into their old ways and such. He's taking it really hard, poor thing. I'm gonna check the garden, let me know if you see him, though." She nodded, giving Louis a sympathetic smile.

"That asshole was here? Talking to  _my_ Harry? I swear to God, if he laid a hand on him." Louis seethed, his jaw clenching.

"Lou, r-re-relax. It's h-hard for H-Ha-Harry to t-t-talk about this st-stuff. Don't m-m-make it h-ha-harder." Niall shook his head, putting his hand over Louis'.

Louis took a deep breath and unclenched his fists, "you're right. God, here I was gushing to him about my problems and everything else and I didn't even bother to ask him. I mean– I asked him what happened when I was gone but, fuck. He didn't– I'm horrible." He spat out.

"Finish d-dinner and t-t-th-en go f-find him, y-yeah? T-talk it o-ou-ut." Niall suggested, pushing his tray back towards the boy.

Louis nodded, shoving his fork into the food. His mind was so preoccupied with Harry that he didn't even notice that he was eating, or that for the first time in a long time, he finished everything on his plate.

Niall tried to praise him, but Louis pushed past him in order to get to Harry. He needed to apologise, he needed to make sure Harry was okay.   
  


 


	14. "if i was would it"

**June 6th, 2015.**

Louis raced down the hall until he found the room he was looking for. He said a silent prayer before opening the door, hoping to ever godly being that Harry would be there.

"Harry?" He asked quietly, poking his head inside. He saw a figure move under the blankets and he let out a sigh of relief, rushing in after he closed the door. "H, I'm so sorry." He whimpered, reaching the bed.

"For what? I'm the one who should be sorry, the medicine just helped me stabilise my moods and I'm trying to do it alone now and it's just taking some getting used to." Harry shook his head, emerging from under the pile of blankets he had.

"Harry I– Are you okay?" Louis sat down next to the boy, biting his lip. "I heard about what happened..." he said nervously, hoping Harry wouldn't get pissed or shut him out.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Lou." Harry raised his eyebrow.  _Alright, so he's going both ways._ Louis thought, mentally rolling his eyes.

"Sharon told me that Nick was here." Harry's eyes snapped up to him momentarily before he squeezed them shut, shaking his head. He opened his mouth to speak, but Louis cut him off. "Please, don't try to be all big and bad about it. He manipulated you and mentally abused you, there's no way in hell that seeing him again didn't trigger something."

"He wanted to do coke with me again," Harry shook his head, biting his lip. "I wanted to do it, too. For a second I was back in Cheshire in our house, laying on our bed and letting him snort a line off my stomach."

"Why didn't you?" Louis asked, putting his hand on Harry's back, reassuring the young boy.

"I thought of you– of how you would react if you came back and found out I'd been sent somewhere because I relapsed again. I didn't want to disappoint you, so I ran to Sharon and told her everything and he got arrested." Harry let out a shaky breath, opening his eyes again. "That's all. He didn't touch me, or anything else. I mean– he said some disgusting things but that was it. I made sure to stay clear of him, he was only here for a couple of days."

"Is that why you freaked out earlier?"

"Yeah," he nodded, taking a breath as if he was trying to urge himself to keep going. "My mind was racing and all I could think about was him and his hands and how rough he is and–" Harry shook his head, feeling himself getting dizzy.

"Hey, hey, bubs. Deep breaths, yeah? It's over now. Just you and me." Louis reassured, holding Harry close. "Don't think about him, okay? Just think about me. It's nice when I hold you, right?" 

Harry nodded, scooting himself closer to Louis. The older boy continued to praise him and reassure him while Harry steadied his breathing.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I was just glad you were finally back and I didn't want to upset you. You really scared me, Lou. I was there– I mean, I saw them take you to ICU. You looked so... dead. You were so pale and you looked so cold, it ripped my heart out." Harry chewed on his bottom lip, causing some blood to bead up. "I never want to see you like that again."

"You won't. I want to get better this time. It feels so nice having energy and not having everything ache all the damn time." Louis rolled his eyes a little.

Harry smiled and nodded along, enjoying listening to the boy speak.

"Tired myself out with all this talking. I'm gonna go sleep, yeah?" Louis asked with a smile, kissing Harry's temple.

"Sleep well. I'll see you tomorrow." Harry smiled back at him, squeezing his hand. He watched Louis walk out and close the door behind him before he slipped his shirt off and shut off the lamp on his desk. He made his way back to his bed and pulled the covers up, toeing his socks off before he pulled the covers over his body.

..

Louis was the first to wake up the next morning. He went about his usual morning routine before he grabbed his bag and an extra pair of clothes and walked down to the showers. After he showered and changed into his new clothes - a pair of grey joggers and a black t-shirt - he dried his hair and styled it up for a change, deciding that he liked the way it looked up.

On his way out, he bumped into a half-naked Harry.

"Oh, hey, Lou." Harry smiled, reaching next to his own bag for a change of clothes.

"H-hi." Louis blushed, trying his best not to stare at the tattoos on Harry's stomach and chest.

"I'll be out a few minutes, wait for me?" He asked with puppy dog eyes. Louis chuckled a little bit and nodded, finding a sudden interest in his finger nails the second Harry's towel dropped.

Louis let out a strangled cough, biting down on his nail. Out of the corner of his eye he saw that Harry had pulled on some pants, so he finally looked back over at the boy just in time to see his muscles contract as he lifted his shirt up above his head to get it on.

"Alright, Lou?" Harry raised his eyebrow, noticing how red Louis' cheeks had gotten.

"Yeah." He squeaked, then let out another cough, "I mean– yes. I'm good, are you ready to get breakfast? 'M a bit hungry myself." 

Harry smiled at that comment and nodded, grabbing his bag and balled up clothes from the counter. "Never heard you say that before." He noted.

Louis only smiled in response and kissed Harry's cheek as he left to put his things away in his room. He met up with Harry afterwards and they both began to walk to the cafeteria, scanning the crowd momentarily for Liam and Niall.

"My therapist said he's gonna help me apply to some Uni's close by so once I get out I can finish school." Harry murmured, shoving some toast in his mouth.

"That's good, babe." Louis smiled, popping some fruit into his mouth.  "What do you wanna study for?"

"I'd like to be a Lit teacher. I love reading and writing and that seems like the perfect occupation that covers both bases. Either that or History, I always loved learning about History."

"I h-hated L-Lit. The t-t-teacher al-always made me r-read ou-outloud." Niall rolled his eyes, stabbing the eggs on his plate with his fork.

"Well, Lit hated you too, grumpy pants." Louis sassed back, sticking his tongue out. Niall rolled his eyes and poked his tongue out at Louis.

"Liam, we're dating children." Harry shook his head, watching the two with a fond expression.

"Suppose." Liam answered, shared the fond expression.

"What about you, Lou? What grand plans do you have?" Harry asked, swallowing some of his cereal.

"I wanna help people. I haven't decided if I wanna be a  psychologist yet or if I wanna be a therapist. My mum said I was always good at making people laugh and making them better, so I wanna give it a try professionally." Louis nodded in content, finishing up the last of his oatmeal. "I already studied psych for two years in high school and I loved it."

"You'll definitely be great at it, babe. You make everyone feel better just by talking." Harry nodded, grabbing Louis' spare hand.

The rest of breakfast consisted of mini fights between Louis and Niall, as well as Liam and Harry fonding hopelessly over their boyfriends.   
  


 


	15. "finally be enough"

**August 17th, 2015.**

"I want you to call these numbers, yeah?" Ed told Harry, handing him a piece of paper.

"Um, why?" Harry raised his eyebrow, looking over the sheet.

"They're flats that the hospital owns. Find one you like and call to see if there's any available ones."

"Okay but– I mean, why?" He was still confused.

"Harry, you're getting out soon. Next week, if I can get all the paper work settled by then." Ed told him with a smile, watching the expression on Harry's face change.

"Really?" He gasped, shooting up from his chair. Ed laughed and nodded at him, "Oh my God! I have to go tell the lads!"

"Have fun, make sure you call them!" Ed warned him. Harry just waved him off, racing out of the room and down to the game room where Louis said they would be.

"Guys!" He yelled, out of breath.

"Christ, H." Liam yelped, not aware that the boy was there.

"What's wrong? You look... out of breath." Louis raised his eyebrow.

"I'm getting out soon! Ed said probably next week if he can get the paper work sorted out. I have to call these places to find an apartment and then get a job and I'll be in Uni and–" Harry was rambling, but he was so happy he couldn't help himself. Louis jumped up and hugged the boy, squeezing him as hard as he could.

"I'm so proud of you, Harry. I knew you could do it." He told him quietly, letting out a squeal when Harry picked him up and twirled him.

"This is amazing! I'll be able to live on my own and be happy." Harry gushed, pulling Niall into a bone-crushing hug. Louis watched the scene with a painful smile, knowing that he wouldn't be able to see Harry anymore.

"Can we talk?" Louis asked after Harry had hugged Liam. Harry nodded and raised his eyebrow, confused as to what the boy wanted to talk about. Louis grabbed Harry's hand and led him outside to the garden.

"What's wrong, Lou?" Harry asked, growing concerned.

"I just– I'm gonna miss you." He said quietly, playing with Harry's hand. "I'm so glad you're getting out, believe me I am, but I'm gonna miss you."

"You said Perrie said you'd be getting out soon too, right?" Harry asked, feeling hopeful still.

"Yeah, but that won't be for a month or two at most." Louis shook his head, tears forming. "I'm not at my target weight yet and they won't let me leave until I am."

"Lou, it's okay." Harry hugged the boy close, rubbing his back. "I'll get out, go to Uni and get a job, save up for an apartment and then you can come live with me, you can finish Uni, get your own job, and we can live together."

"I'm gonna miss you so much." Louis whispered, clinging onto Harry.

Wordlessly, Harry pushed Louis back a little bit and unhooked the necklace he had been wearing since his nan gave it to him when he was ten. "Whenever you're sad or missing me, just hold this close to your heart and it'll be like I'm right here." He said, hooking the necklace around Louis' neck.

"Harry, I–" Louis tried to argue, knowing how much the necklace meant to him.

"No. I want you to have it. Plus, this means that you'll have to come back to me to return it." Harry took a deep breath, "I love you." He murmured, biting his lip nervously.

"I love you, too." Louis whispered back, tilting Harry's chin up so he could kiss him. Harry sighed into the kiss and pulled Louis into his lap, placing his hands on the boy's hips, rubbing then gently. "I love you so much, Harry." Louis mumbled into the kiss, tangling his fingers in Harry's growing hair.

Harry just moaned in response and held Louis closer, pulling him by his hips.

Louis tugged on Harry's hair to deepen the kiss when one of the nurses appeared. "Lunch time!"

"I can't wait until we live together." Harry groaned., falling back on the grass. Louis laughed and fell on top of Harry's chest.

"Why, so you can make me lunch that doesn't taste like cardboard half the time?" He teased, winking at Harry as he got up. Louis held onto the necklace as he waited for Harry to get up, running the cross over his fingers.

"Let's go," Said Harry, smiling down at the boy. They walked back inside and down to the cafeteria hand in hand, smiles on both of their faces.

..

**September 1st, 2015.**

"I'm gonna miss you." Louis whimpered, clinging onto Harry.

"There's nothing to miss, Lou. You have the necklace, right?" Harry asked, hugging the boy. Louis nodded and pulled away a little, showing Harry the chain. "Remember what I told you?" Again, Louis nodded and sniffled.

Harry pulled away and grabbed the cross from Louis, giving it a kiss. He wrapped his arms around Louis again and pulled him close, pressing their lips together again. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Louis responded quietly, holding onto Harry's shirt. "Don't forget about me. Please." He whimpered.

"I could never forget about you, Louis. Never. Besides, we'll see each other soon, yeah?" Harry said with a small smile, rubbing Louis' back. "I have to go now," he said quietly, watching Sharon give him a sympathetic smile.

Louis pulled away and sniffled again, watching as Harry gave Liam and Niall hugs, saying his goodbyes.

"Bye, Harry. I'm so proud of you. You're gonna do amazing things, yeah? Come visit sometime." Sharon smiled at him, not being able to help herself from letting out a few tears.

Harry walked over to the doors with his suitcase, giving Ed a hug as well. He took a deep breath before pushing the door open. The man driving the car gave him a friendly smile and opened the car door for him, placing his suitcase in the backseat.

Once the man got in the car, Harry rolled down the window and stuck his arm out, waving at everyone who had now moved outside.

Niall waved back, his other arm around Louis' shoulders, who was still crying. "Get your hands off my man, Horan." Harry narrowed his eyes.

Everyone laughed, including Louis. "I don't like blondes." He replied, finally finding the strength to meet Harry's eyes.

"Bye guys!" Harry called out, blowing Louis a kiss as the car started. He heard everyone calling out their goodbyes. Rolling the window back up, Harry let his head fall back against the cushion and let out a breath, a smile on his lips.  
  


 


	16. "to shut out all these voices"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTERRRRRRRRRRRRR

**February 21st, 2016.**

_It's been so long since I saw Louis. I miss him so much. It's so hard living on my own._

_I wasn't allowed back with my parents. They didn't want to deal with me anymore. I found a small flat here in London and even adopted myself a cute little kitten. Named him Kenai. It's been pretty okay, I guess. I got a job at a small cafe, similar to the bakery._

_I just can't shake him. No matter how hard I try to think about something else, my mind always goes back to him. I hope he's doing okay. God, I hope he's okay. He was supposed to get out a month after me._

_Still hoping._   
_Harry. xx_

..

Harry closed his journal with a sigh, looking up once the bell on top of the shop door rang, signalling a customer. Before he turned the corner, he heard something that made his heart stop.

"Do you think he's really gonna burn the flat?" The voice was barely recognisable, since he hadn't heard it very much, but it was still familiar.

"Probably." He heard Niall chuckle, and his heart swelled at the thought of Niall speaking in public with no stutters.

"Oi, lad!" Harry was ripped from his thoughts when he heard Liam's voice directed towards him, and he couldn't help the tears that filled his eyes. "Can my boyfriend and I order here if you've got a minute?" Harry put his hand over his mouth to stop himself from letting out a sob, and turned the corner.

"Harry!" Liam squealed, tears filling his brown eyes. Harry made quick work of coming out from behind the counter and was instantly met with strong arms wrapping around him.

"Li, I thought you guys forgot 'bout me."Harry whispered, taking a deep breath.

"How could we forget our Hazza?" Liam grinned, pulling away slightly to look at him. "Missed you so much, H."

"I missed you too, Liam." Niall scoffed, rolling his eyes. "You too, cutie pie!" Harry smiled, using one of his arms to grab Niall by the collar and pull him into a bone crushing hug.

"Missed ya, Ha-rry." Harry smiled brightly, his eyes shinning.

"You sound great, Ni. I'm so happy for you." Niall blushed and shook his head, "And you!" He gasped, remembering Liam. "Speaking full sentences and shit! Never thought I'd see the day." He grinned, showing off his dimples.

"Just wait till you see Louis." He spoke, watching Harry's eyes light up.

"L-Louis? He's okay? Is he with you guys?" Harry's eyes darted around the café frantically, causing a small chuckle to leave Niall's lips.

"No, he's at our flat." He explained, watching Harry's shoulders drop.

"Harry, do you plan on getting back to work?" His manager, Jade, called from the back in an angry tone. "I don't pay you to do nothing all day!"

"I- um, Jade I-"

"Relax! I'm just kidding with ya," Harry let out a loud sigh of relief, putting his hand over his heart dramatically. "Your shifts almost up, go on and head out, I'll fill in for you, bebs."

"You're the best, J." Handing over his apron, Harry leaned down to kiss her cheek before he turned back to Liam, throwing his arms around the two boys shoulders. "Where too, lads?"

"We gotta take you to Lou! He's gonna be so excited," Liam said with a smile. The trio piled out of the building and took a right, making their way to a small apartment complex Harry didn't even notice was there.

"It's not mmuch, but it was t-the bes-t we co-could afford." Niall smiled sheepishly, giving Liam's hand a squeeze as he unlocked the door.

"About damn time! I'm bloody freezing and want my coffee," A familiar voice grumbled from somewhere in the flat.

"Lou! We got you something better than a coffee." Liam called back with a smile, ushering Harry inside. He looked around quickly, noticing a few pictures on the wall and some socks thrown carelessly on the couch, obviously Louis,he thought to himself with a smile.

"What the hell could be better than coffee in this weather?" Louis mumbled, entering the living room with a huff. His back was to Harry as he got ready to scold the two boys in the kitchen. 

Harry bit his lip and walked up to the boy, a goofy smile on his face as he took in Louis' height, thanking God silently for making Louis so short. He tapped the small boys shoulders and a blush crept up his cheeks as he watched Louis turn around - almost as if it was in slow motion.

Harry looked at Louis and his heart swelled, the boys hair had gotten longer and thicker, his face had filled out more (though he still had cut-throat cheekbones). His eyes were a sparkly blue colour, all the dullness from the hospital had long faded away. He also noticed tattoos on Louis' chest, along with a bit of stubble on his jawline and upper lip.

"Hi, Lou." Harry said softly, smiling so wide he was sure his face was about to split in half.

Louis covered his mouth with a shaky hand as tears welled up in his eyes. Harry couldn't hold back any longer, so he wrapped his arms securely around the shaking boy and held him tighter than he ever thought possible.

"Louis." Harry whimpered, tears beginning to fall from his own cheeks as well. "Oh, God, Louis."

"Harry." Louis whispered, his voice oozing with fondness. "Don't let go, Harry. Please." He begged, wrapping his arms tightly around Harry's waist.

Harry noticed Louis' hold was tighter than it ever had been, and he liked to think it's because the boy had gained his strength back from eating properly and taking care of himself. "Never." Harry murmured, pressing kisses to Louis' hair.

"So fucking cute." Liam sighed happily, looking at the two lovebirds. "Now Louis can stop moping around and whining about how much he misses his Hazza bear."

"A-amen." Niall rolled his eyes, grabbing milk from the fridge.

"Hey!" Louis whined, looking over his shoulder to glare at Liam. "I missed him, nothing wrong with that! If you thought you'd never see Niall again you'd be mopey! And don't you chuckle at me, mister, you know you were lonely!" He sassed, looking back at a chuckling Harry.

"I got myself a cat." Harry smiled, ruffling Louis' hair. "You need to met him, his names Kenai like from brother bear. That's our favourite movie to watch together." He said proudly, tugging at his sleeves.

Louis raised his eyebrow and looked down at Harry's wrists, growing nervous.

"Lou? You look like you've seen a ghost." Liam pointed out, sitting on the couch next to the two. Louis shook his head and looked back up at Harry,

"Harry," He said quietly, his voice sounding so small and scared, reminding Harry of their time in the hospital once more. "Why're you..." He trailed off, eyes flickering back to his wrist.

"Christ, Lou." Harry chuckled, rolling his sleeves up carelessly. He turned them over and back to show Louis and the now onlooking Niall and Liam his wrists.

"You got tattoos?" Niall raised his eyebrow.

"Needed something creative to take away the pain." Harry gave a small smile, pointing to the small tattoo on the top of his wrist. "Got that one for you, was the first one I got when I got out."

It looked like Harry's handwriting, but it was done so carefully that Louis felt his heart grow in his chest. "You got my name tattooed on you?" He asked quietly, blushing a light shade of pink.

"Of course. I couldn't get rid of you," He shook his head, pushing his sleeves back down. "I'm not saying I haven't hurt myself since I got out, but I can say that I'm almost four months and three days clean." He smiled proudly, his hair falling in his face. "The urges have died down, also. Haven't felt the need to hurt myself."

Louis beamed up at him and pulled him in for a kiss, whining quietly at the feeling of Harry's lips against his own after so many months. Harry's hands went down to Louis' waist, gripping his lips tightly. He let out another small whine and pulled Harry closer by his curls, pulling himself into the boys lap. 

"Get a room." Liam grumbled, rolling his eyes. Louis raised his hand to flip Liam off, then returned to running his fingers through the curly locks he missed so much. "Please don't fuck on my couch." He groaned, throwing a pillow at them.

"I liked it better when he didn't talk." Louis mumbled against Harry's lips, shooting a glare at Liam who just gave him a wide smile and blew a kiss at him.

"Better than having a nurse walk in on us." Harry giggled - fucking  _giggled -_ and Louis was sure he had melted into a puddle. "You look so good, Lou. So healthy." Louis blushed and looked down at his lap, playing with his fingers. "Feels nice not havin bones poke me."

"Feels nice not havin to worry about hurting you when I grab your wrist," Louis replied with a shy smile, kissing the boy once more. Harry smiled, a deep blush creeping up his cheeks. "Check this out," Louis grinned and pulled away a little, lifting his shirt up to reveal his nice, smooth tummy - it even poked out the tiniest bit.

"You look so gorgeous." Harry practically swooned, reaching out to touch the soft skin. "Gorgeous. And you have a tummy!" He cooed, poking it gently. "Such a cute lil tum."

..

**February 22nd, 2016.**

After he got off work, Harry made his way to Louis' apartment again, a shy smile and arm full of treats.

"Harry! The boys are out on a date night so we have the whole place to ourselves." Louis answered the door shirtless and with a smile. Harry's heart warmed at the sight, because the last time he saw Louis shirtless the boy was sobbing and clawing at his skin, screaming about how fat he was. Now here he is, standing in the doorway without a shirt and half a sandwich in his hand.

"Well, hello to you too, gorgeous." Louis blushed and opened the door wider for Harry to come in. "Movie night?" He asked hopefully, walking towards Louis' bedroom to set a movie up.

"Of course!" Louis smiled, following behind the curly boy. Could he call him that anymore? The long locks were wavy now, they had long since lost their curl. "Don't ever cut your hair." He murmured, stroking Harry's cheek once he laid down.

"We'll see." Harry smiled, leaning into Louis' touch. The warmth from his hand radiating off him like he was the sun, and to Harry, he was.

"Oh!" Louis shot up, going over to his dresser. "I was saving this for you,"

Harry raised his eyebrow, trying to look over Louis' small shoulders. His jaw dropped slightly when he saw the necklace, "Is that? You still have it?"

"Of course I do. Kept it on this whole time, only take it off when I shower." Louis bit his lip, "I love you, so much." He added, holding the necklace out to Harry.

"I love you, too. I missed you so much, Lou. It was getting harder and harder every day I wasn't around you. What happened?"

"You big sap." Louis chuckled, then looked down at his lap, biting his lip. "After you left I broke down. They couldn't get me to eat at all, had to have a feeding tube put in for a week. Niall and Liam tried to help, but I just couldn't. You were my rock, Hazza." Louis whimpered the last bit, "eventually, I started to eat on my own and get better. Had to stay an extra while, just got out nearly three weeks ago. I've been stayin with these lads till can find a job and a flat. I was gonna go back go Donny, but apart of me couldn't leave London, because I hoped one day I might run into you." He smiled a bit, looking into Harry's emerald eyes. The movie was still running but long forgotten.

"Glad you decided to get better," Harry returned the smile, then shook his head. "You know, I mean, i-if you need a place to stay..." he trailed off nervously, playing with the hem of Louis' shirt.

"Really?" Louis asked, his eyes sparkling with hope.

"Of course, Lou. You'll have to get use to my cat, though." The two laughed and stood up, instantly melting into each others sides.

"That sounds lovely," Louis smiled, interlocking his hand with Harry's bigger one, looking down at the tattoos that filled his scarred arm. But that's all it was now, just scars that show how strong this boy really is. The thought made Louis smile wider, tracing one of the small tattoos. "Absolutely lovely."

"Fuck, I missed you." Harry shook his head, "You're all I've been thinking about since the second I walked out of the hospital. Your beautiful face and angelic laugh has filled my brain for the better part of six months. To think we were right down the street from each other the whole time," he laughed, squeezing Louis' hand.

"I wanted to get out as fast as I could, after I got over the sadness I started to eat more and worked with my doctors to build some muscle. Played footie with some of the other lads till I got out which helped a lot, I was able to stay healthy and eat healthy. I feel so much better, Harry. It's like all the dark clouds that were surrounding my brain just disappeared and I can finally think again, you know?"

"Of course. Once I got out I was so scared, I was searching for something to give me a sense of normality because everything had changed. The first couple of weeks was so hard, I was cutting again and start to drink. One day I was so overwhelmed I started thinking about the whole reason I went to the hospital in the first place. It was a bit of a wake up call and I was able to stop hurting myself and haven't gotten drunk since that night. I found a job at that coffee shop with my friend Jade and my cute apartment across the street from it. It's so nice not having to deal with all that shit anymore," Harry admitted, tracing circles into the back of Louis' hand.

"We can finally sleep in the same bed without having to worry about the nurses walking in." Louis said with a chuckle, laying against Harry's chest, his bare skin pressing against the soft material of Harry's sweater. 

 


End file.
